


The Maknae

by Sheeo



Series: The Maknae Line [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, JJ Project - Freeform, M/M, OT7, Physical Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, a little yugbam but way later, all my otps appear, at least an ok ending, better tags to come, markson, markson is life, these tags are getting depressing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2018-09-25 06:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 38,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9806345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheeo/pseuds/Sheeo
Summary: “No Gyeomie we couldn’t do this without you, we wouldn’t truly be got7 without you. You’re our maknae and hyung will always be there to protect you no matter what,”  JB only said the last part because he assumed Yugyeom was asleep but little did he know the boy in the bed had heard every word, the soothing words from his leader lulled him to sleep seconds later.





	1. Extra Practice

**Author's Note:**

> OK this is the first fic i have ever posted and it's still a work in progress. I absolutely suck at intros but I have all the angsty middle and end figured out. I even have the next two installments of the series story plotted but we can talk about that later just, if you read this with only the first chapter uploaded don't give up on me yet! It gets better, I will not rest until this story is completed well.
> 
> I also realize this isn't very long but the chapters will get longer.  
> I hope.
> 
> Also this hasn't been edited or beta'd so there might be a mistake or two.

Pre-debut GOT7 had three managers, post debut they had one. One manager left due to unforeseen family issues and the other. . .

“Alright boys That’s enough for today you all did well. Keep this up and you will be an unstoppable force come debut time,” Their dance instructor praised them. Various ranges of ‘nea!’ rang throughout the room as they gathered their things, got sips of water, or just rested sprawled out on the floor. JB looked around at his group, his team he was in charge of leading. He still was trying to wrap his head around the fact that he was the leader of a group with six other individuals. When they had done JJ Project he wasn’t even the leader technically. He was older and therefore more responsibilities fell on him naturally. Jinyoung had walked out with the choreographer presumably asking him a question about something. He looked at at mark spitting on the couch scrolling through his phone with jackson’s head on his thigh from where he sat on the floor watching youngjae continue to practice a move he felt he wasn’t doing right. He was doing just fine but with his short trainee period he felt as if he needed to work harder which JB didn’t necessarily disagree with. BamBam was sprawled on the floor making dying whale noises at Yugyeom who just sat there leaning against the mirror with his bag in his lap looking tired. They all were tired of course but yugyeom just looked tired and defeated. He had already looked tired when their manager had dropped him off after school at the practice room and that was seven hours ago. JB would have to make sure he had the first shower and then straight to bed. Just as he was about to round up the posse to head home one of their three managers walked in the door.

“Why are you guys still loitering around? This isn’t a rest and relaxation center,” He scoffed at the sight of them. JB could hardly believe his ears, they were tired and practice had just ended maybe seven minutes ago. Their manager Minhyuk always said things like that though so it wasn’t a surprise. He was never overly cruel but he was never really praising either but as a manager he gave them the biggest push so they didn’t hate him for it. They all started to rise on already sore limbs and make for the exit. “Yugyeom-ah you need to stay and fix the mistakes you kept making. You were off the most and we can’t have you ending rehearsal like that,” JB couldn’t believe his ears. Yugyeom who was never off hadn’t even made that many mistakes today while being obviously exhausted, Yugyeom obviously couldn’t believe his own ears because as soon as minhyuk spoke his bag dropped out of his hand and hit the floor with a thud. Almost everyone looked at him rather surprised and he turned pink and looked down at the floor or rather his bag. He made no motion to pick it up.

“Yugyeom has school in the morning,” Jackson spoke having been the only one not phased by the bag dropping. His eyes still closed where he now leaned on a standing mark.

“Then he should get started so he can finish,” Minhyuk said clearly not backing down. 

“But Hyeong hyung was pleased with what we did and besides he left, how can yugyeom practice without someone else to correct him?” JB tried to be as polite as he could with his questioning but really this was ridiculous. 

“Did he say he was leaving,” Minhyuk challenged. No, he hadn’t actually stated that he was but he took his things with him. “He just went to get a quick bite and then he’s coming back I told him I’d inform Yugyeom. This is happening kids so just head to the dorm with manager Wonbae and I’ll bring Yugyeom later,”

“Oh well I’m sure Hyung wouldn’t mind if I stayed too I need some help on some things,” Youngjae said actually looking happy about the prospect of practicing more. The protest surprisingly enough didn’t come from Minhyuk.

“You have school too hyung, and it’s hard enough waking you up in the morning already,” Yugyeom probably meant to sound natural but the laugh that accompanied the statement was anything but natural.

“Wonbae is waiting outside so who’s staying and who’s leaving?” Minhyuk questioned growing impatient. JB didn’t want anyone to stay, not Youngjae and not Yugyeom either.

“Is there anyway he can do this extra practice tomorrow night? He doesn’t have school then,” JB tried reasoning for their maknae who obviously didn’t seem to want to stay or have anyone else stay with him.

“Hyeong is here now and it would be rude to waste his time,” Yugyeom replied even though JB’s question was aimed towards their manager. He hadn’t even looked up from the floor.

“What time is this extra practice over,” Mark suddenly asked probably intending to wait up for yugyeom.

“As soon as he gets it right I suppose,” was the simple answer Minhyuk gave with a slight shrug. Before anyone could reply to that yugyeom was picking up his bag and walking to the back of the studio space to put it down. When he turned to them he had a smile plastered on his face and the shift in mood was too abrupt to be natural.

“Don’t worry I’ll get it perfect in one or two goes and be home before you guys are even done showering,”Yugyeom turned his back to them and started searching his bag for something without another word. He sounded determined more than cheery and it was his decision at the end of the day so with a sigh JB led the rest of the boys out of the practice room

 

_______

 

As the others filed out yugyeom kept his back to the door pretending as if he was getting something from his bag. In reality he was trying to convince himself that they were not abandoning him, they had actually fought for him to be able to leave with them and Youngjae even offered to stay but the idea of any of them being here right now was too much. No they weren’t abandoning him, after all he had all but forced them to leave with as much force as Minhyuk had. After a minute of absolute silence yugyeom took a deep breath and turned to face Minhyuk who was just staring at him as if was the reason for everything that was wrong with the world, as if he needed reminding of that.

“Hyeong hyung isn’t coming back is he,” he was surprised how even his voice managed to come out.

“It’s ok I can help you,” Minhyuk smiled shrugging off his jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little cliff hanger to get your attention *winks* yeah a lot of horrible things are going to happen to our maknae (and the maknae line as a whole later on) but this all started with my desire for more yugyeom angst with OT7 relationships.
> 
> Speaking of relationships when I do the markson, JJP and and slight yugbam I made sure to do it in a way that you can decide if you want it to consider it platonic or not. Sometimes I want platonic sometimes I don't so I wanted to kinda ride the line in-between for this fic. at least for now. . . .


	2. Long Sleeve Shirts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two hours and god know how many runs later yugyeom was barely holding himself together as the song came to an end again he struggled to stand on his shaky legs, struggled to keep his eyes not only open but focused, and struggled to ignore Minhyuk’s taunts in his head on replay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay I wrote more words in this chapter!!! There was suppose to be some JJP fluff in this chapter but I got distracted by an update about a fic I subscribe to instantly got writers block (Plus I've learned I'm garbage at fluff) so next chapter?
> 
> Some swearing and abuse in thus chapter although you all had to know it was coming. It's not overly detailed and it's not even that violent (Since I suck at writing violence as well.)
> 
> I also decided I wanna name the chapters now.

“Again,” Minhyuk said voice laced with malice. Yugyeom had gotten it right the first _and_ the second time but the third time he had slipped during Jinyoung’s part of the second verse. The Girls, Girls, Girls choreography wasn’t horribly taxing and he probably could do it in his sleep but he hadn’t had more than three hours of sleep (Including almost an hour in class which was embarrassing but not all that uncommon) and his body didn’t want to be walking right now let along dancing. When he’d slipped Minhyuk had cut the music instantly before storming over and ripping yugyeom from the ground in a hold that was sure to bruise. _Long sleeves tomorrow it is,_ Yugyeom thought, _and the bruises on my arms had just started faded to_. Minhyuk towered over yugyeom, an ability of his yugyeom has always hated. Minhyuk was probably the reason he hated anyone being taller than him, it gave them dominance. At the lack of response from the in thought yugyeom his grip on his arm tightened painfully probably cutting off all circulation.

 

“This is exactly what I expected, you call yourself a dancer but a real dancer should be able to do a dance three times consecutively without messing up. Do it again you Disgrace,” he said finally releasing his arm and going to start the music. Yugyeom released the breath he was holding and got into position for the song to start again.

 

Two hours and god know how many runs later yugyeom was barely holding himself together as the song came to an end again he struggled to stand on his shaky legs, struggled to keep his eyes not only open but focused, and struggled to ignore Minhyuk’s taunts in his head on replay.

 

_Not good enough_

 

Stop.

 

_You’re not even a dancer_

 

_No._

 

_Your dancing is heavy_

 

_Please._

 

_Are you even taking your diet seriously_

 

I haven’t even eaten today.

 

There may have been a war raging in yugyeom’s head but the only sound in the room was his heavy breathing. It was too quiet and yugyeom was half tempted to look up and see what Minhyuk looked like but thought better of it. After a minute of complete silence Minhyuk finally spoke.

 

“Again,” Yugyeom’s breathe hitched. He licked his dry and cracking lips (he hadn’t had a drink break in about an hour and a half) while he thought about the best way to answer that request. He could feel in his body that there was no way he could possibly do it again, _because you’re pathetic_ , but he figured he’d get no understanding. Still there was slight black spots swimming in his vision and his body felt as heavy as Minhyuk had accused him of being and he really never liked being left alone with him for any long period of time. He was surprised that the only harm that had come to him at this point was a few forceful grabs of his arms.

 

“I-”Yugyeom tried to speak but the words were getting stuck in his throat stopped by fear. He took a steadying breath staring at the floor and  hardening his resolve. “I Don’t think I can. I C-Can’t fee-” Before he finished trying to give a good explanation as to why he couldn’t continue the torturous dance practice Something came in contact with his back directly on his spine that felt like a shoe, with a foot and a hell of a lot of force behind it. It wouldn’t have taken a lot really for him to topple over and as he fell he found it impossible to stifle his yelp of pain and surprise. His arms were just as weak as his legs and offered very little support and his head hit the laminate floor with a thud. He almost thought he had passed out for a minute, wished he had blacked out but after a few breathes he realized he was still here. Defeated he tries to push himself up on his shaky hands.

 

“Who said you could get up,” Minhyuk’s voice had shifted and yugyeom froze. Well yugyeom stopped trying to move but his arms were still visibly shaking under the strain of holding himself up. This was the voice Minhyuk used when he meant business, or when yugyeom’s next move might mean the difference between life or death. Once upon a time yugyeom thought Minhyuk would never actually harm him enough to kill him, he knew better now. When Minhyuk’s death voice, as Yugyeom had come a custom to thinking of it, came out anything goes. Yugyeom could feel when Minhyuk came over  and loomed over him yet he dared not move. Minhyuk kicked his right arm from under him sending him face first into the ground again. He held in all noises biting his lip against the pain knowing that would just piss Minhyuk off more. _Don’t cry like a little bitch when I’m not even hurting you_ . Minhyuk then brought his foot down on top of and grinding into yugyeom’s arm. He bit down harder tasting blood. _Yep no sort sleeves for a while_. “ So you can’t continue? You want to be done,” He wanted an answer. Even though there wasn’t a right one he always wanted an answer.

 

“Yes sir,” his voice was strained from holding back and anticipating the pain to come. He bit down on his hand instead as soon as he was done speaking and not even thirty seconds later Minhyuk brought his foot down on yugyeom’s arm harder this time. There was no real way to hold in the pain but he managed to mostly grunt instead of screek like he wanted to. Then the pressure on his arm lifted but he still didn’t move.

 

“I told JYP you didn’t deserve to be in this group. Maybe I need to have another little chat with my friend,” Yugyeom could hear him walking away as he spoke. His ultimate trump card. His long standing friendship with PD-nim. He liked to remind yugyeom whenever he was done abusing him that he and JYP go way back and telling on him wouldn’t do any good. At this point yugyeom wouldn’t want to tell anyone, he doesn’t want anyone to see, to know how weak he is. “Go home and don’t you dare sleep here, I won’t have anyone blaming me for your incompetence.” With that the door opened and Minhyuk left. Yugyeom layed there for only a few seconds before he had to try to get up lest he really fall asleep right there on the floor. He managed to drag himself  to somewhat of a sitting position while only using one hand. He looked at himself in the mirror.

He looked like death to put it lightly. He had bags under his eyes and the blood on his lip was drying and staining them in a gruesome crimson he licked at them and winced. His arm was already turning red in some areas and it was only then that he realized Minhyuk had only targeted his right arm all night. Writing tomorrow in school was going to be impossible. Staring at himself this wasn’t the worst that he looked and that gave him a feeling of relief that he did not feel comfortable with. Since when was being hurt just a little a good thing? Since Minhyuk walked in the practice room and declared himself their new manager, since he laid eyes on him as Yugyeom introduced himself and looked like he saw a ghost. Since the first time his hand came across yugyeom’s body what felt like forever ago. The only real question was the question Yugyeom was avoiding asking. Why was he forcing himself to go through this. He wanted to be a singer more than anything in the world. He didn’t have a back-up plan. He never had, a fact that irked his mother to no end, but when he got into JYP she let him go willingly giving him only Two rule: Only go if you're happy. Only stay if you’re happy. He couldn’t say he was unhappy. His bandmates were people he already got along with and were friends with. They laughed, played, ate, slept, and suffered together. For the most part, Except when it came to Minhyuk. That was Yugyeom’s burden alone to bare. No one knew about that even with JB constantly assuring everyone that they can come to him with or for anything (and all of the other members hurriedly agreeing and offering their shoulders as well) Yugyeom hadn’t felt the urge to tell anyone since he had went to JYP and found none other than Minhyuk lounged in the CEO’s chair talking, laughing really, with the man in question who was looking for or at something in the bookshelf. Minhyuk saw him but before JYP had turned around he was out the door. If he couldn’t tell their CEO about his abusive childhood friend then what would be the point of worrying his other members who all had way too much on their plates already with their debut looming over everything. No it was Yugyeom’s burden alright. One that made his chest hurt wether he’d been hit there or not. One that made him feel as if he was drowning in an ocean all alone trying to stay afloat as wave after wave assaulted him while waited for a rescue that would never come. Slowly but surely he trudged to his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanna everyone who has read this wether you comment or leave kudos or not.
> 
> Thank you, Thank you so much to those you left kudos, it was unexpected and it meant a lot.
> 
> And an extra special thanks to the people who did comment because you gave me the encouragement to write this second chapter! You made me feel like me (and my story) matter.
> 
> More than 2000 words next chapter guys I swear!


	3. Rest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Aigoo, He's so cute," Jinyoung Whispered.
> 
> "You're cuter," JB stated looking way to serious. Jinyoung resisted the urge to roll his eyes and closed them instead.
> 
> "Shut up,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OML I can not apologize to anyone waiting for this enough. as a reader I understand how maddening it can get when author's don't update regulary and I had (and have) every intent to but life hit me like a freight train the minute chapter two was updated. honestly it hasn't gotten any better but I would feel way worse if I didn't update. this chapter is again shorter than it was suppose to be but I had to post SOMETHING. it is longer than 2k like I promsed tho. So yeah I'm not going to give you the many excuses I have becuase their pointless but I will say I am very very sorry *Deep Bow*
> 
> This chapter is mostly freeform because there's not much angst in it so it wasn't really planned out but I figured I needed it. There's a lot of switching from POV in this chapter (and more to come so tell me if you get confused with the way it is now
> 
> the dash _______ 9 times out of 10 will equal POV change
> 
> is that enough?
> 
> are they distracting?
> 
> I would not be shocked if there were a TON of mistakes in this
> 
> Side bar JJP is not really platonic in this so yeah that ended quickly. . . Markson will be platonic tho for my own preferance.
> 
> I think. . .

It had been almost three hours since yugyeom said he’d be right home and JB was pissed quite frankly. Mark, Jackson, Youngjae, and BamBam had already retired to their rooms about an hour ago and Jinyoung had refused to do anything except wait for the maknae with him. 

 

When they had first gotten home they had honestly believed what he had said but as BamBam came out of the bathroom with nothing but a towel drying his hair as he streaked to his room it was clear that wasn’t going to happen. Youngjae was the first to bow out at around 11:30 seeing as he had school the next day and some test. BamBam hadn’t exactly left of his own volition but as he fell asleep body halfway strew across mark’s lap jackson had carried him to bed and came back to drag the half conscious mark to their room. That left JB with his favorite person in the world. As they sat there in the silence JB stared at Jinyoung his face briefly lit by the rays of the Tv he seemed to be watching even though JB didn’t even remember what was on it at this point. His hair was unstyled and slightly damp messy and sticking up in some places. He was wearing an old pair of grey sweats and one of JB’s hoodies and of course he pulled it off stunningly.

 

“Enjoying the view,” Jinyoung suddenly asked not looking away from the Tv but calling JB’s attention as only his voice could. JB smiled.

 

“Always,” Jinyoung rolled his eyes and looked at him finally. His eyebrow froze halfway on it’s way to an arch.

 

“How can you say cheesy stuff like that with a straight face,” 

 

“Because I mean it,” JB told him for what felt like the hundredth time and Jinyoung rolled his eyes at JB for what was probably the hundredth time that day. JB studied his face now that he was looking at him with the Tv still casting the pale glow. Whatever they were suppose to be watching must be rather dark, not that JB was going to look at the screen to confirm this. No his Jinyoungie was much more interesting. Looking at his eyes though, he looked tired. Not really wanting him to go but also wanting him to get enough sleep JB sighed conflicted. Jinyoung tilted his head questioningly.

 

“You don’t have to wait with me,” He sighed quietly. Jinyoung shook his head and stood up off the floor where he had been sitting and for a moment JB’s heart dropped assuming he was leaving.

 

“Who said I’m staying for you,” He said placing himself between JB’s stretched out legs on the couch. He then leaned his head back to rest on JB’s chest sighing in contentment. JB could feel his cheeks heat up and he was grateful no one else was in the room. It’s not that he didn’t like their new waiting position it’s just he was never a very touchy person or one to initiate any form of physical closeness he prefered to admire from afar and or verbally. Jinyoung was not like that at all. He showed people how much he loved them rather than tell them and JB Just could never get used to it. It sent his heart hammering and heat to his cheeks and other places. . .

 

He cleared his throat forcing himself to think about something else as he wrapped his arms around the boy in his lap as innocently as he could.  _ Puppies, Kittens, the grueling dance practice they had today, the grueling practices to come, the weight of leading Got7. _ Yep that last one will do it anytime.

 

They sat like that for another hour the tension in both their bodies at the unspoken worry was almost comical. Seemingly randomly jinyoung harshly sat up, his elbow using JB’s thigh dangerously close to his groin.

 

“Can I help you?” JB questioned as he still didn’t move his elbow and it was kind of digging into his thigh with all his weight.

 

“He has five minutes,” Jinyoung said ignoring him. “And I’m storming in there and kicking his, Minhyuk, and Hyeong hyungs asses.” The drop in honorific with Minhyuk made him both kringe and smile. He didn’t respond verbally mainly because he completely agreed, with getting their maknae not disrespecting their manager. In loo of the verbal response he rubbed his thumb in circles on Jinyoung’s forearm until he huffed returning to his former position. Three minutes late they heard the front door open and some shuffling in the front hall. They both sighed in relief and Jinyoung chuckled. Neither of them made a move to go to the door. Yugyeom had to pass them in the livingroom to get to his room so they’d yell and order him to bed when he came in the room. He could have a shower in the morning. After a  shuffling had died down it was quiet and nothing moved. After sixty seconds the couple began to worry again. Jinyoung sat all the way up and scooted away from JB who swung his legs off the couch and onto the floor.

 

“Yugyeom?” JB questioned into the silence. They had locked the door so it couldn’t really be anybody else but it was unsettling to not see or hear him anymore. He didn’t respond again. Jinyoung sprang from the couch with JB hot on his tail trying to inch in front of him and the unknowns of the front hall. Upon reaching the hall and opening the door that separated it from the rest of the dorm they blinked confused into the darkness for a moment.

 

As his eyes adjusted JB almost couldn’t believe his eyes. Jinyoung however reached over and turned the hall light on instead of squinting into the darkness,smart. The second time JB’s eyes adjusted he was sure of the what he saw.

 

Yugyeom with his bag and shoes off, crouched next to the shoe rack, head resting on the wall in front of him. That position did not look comfortable and he hadn’t reacted to the light being turned on or their presence prompting JB to worry.

 

“Yah! Kim Yugyeom you can’t sleep here,” JB shouted letting irritation cloud his voice instead of the concern he felt. Yugyeom made no movement other than the seemingly steady rise and fall of his chest which did little to reassure JB.  _ what if he was in a coma? _ JB banished the ridiculous thought before his tired brain could run wild with it.

 

“Hyung,” Jinyoung chastised. He was now crouched next to yugyeom feeling his forehead and checking his vitals or something. He didn’t seem to alarmed with what he found. “I think he’s just exhausted.”

 

“Well obviously,” was the only reply JB could muster.

 

“I mean there’s nothing else wrong with him,” JInyoung clarified already knowing the crazy train of thought JB was having. “He can’t stay like this,”

 

“Well figure out how to wake him up,”

 

“You already tried yelling and I’m pretty sure you were closer to waking up the ajumma downstair than yugyeom. Plus I don’t really want to wake him,” Jinyoung said pointedly looking at him. 

 

“Ok well how do you expect to get him to bed then,” JB asked already preparing his argument for what the response was probably going to be. Jinyoung looked from him to yugyeom pointedly. “What? No you’re the one who doesn’t want wake him so you carry him,”

 

“He’s too big for me, come on flex those muscles appa,” Jinyoung pouted cutely using the unconscious maknae’s head which had lulled over onto his shoulder, not that he needed it, JB was a sucker for Jinyoung aegyo.  _ Stay strong _ . JB gulped probably audibly.

 

“Why am I appa? Just because I’m the leader Jackson is way better appa material,” his argument was weak and didn’t really make sense but he was losing all train of thought to the puppy eyes.

 

“Oh just pick him up so we can both get to bed, please Jaebummie hyung,” JB sighed pulling up all his strength to go and lift the maknae onto his hip only to find that he didn’t need as much of it as he thought he would. As he knows he should. And yugyeom was eating a big ass breakfast before going anywhere tomorrow because he was way to light for someone his height even by idol standards.

 

“God, he doesn’t weigh as much as he should jinyoung,” JB voiced his concern.

 

“The life of an idol,” Jinyoung whispered darkly leading the way back towards the bedrooms.

 

_______

  
  


“What do I do?” JB whispered seeming semi distraught as he tried again to pry the maknae from him.Yugyeom had latched onto JB’s shirt like a leech the minute he picked him up and Jinyoung found that kinda cute and concerning. Then as they entered his room and JB tried to put him down he simply wouldn’t let go. Jinyoung had to refrain from laughing at JB's predicament and reaction.

 

Yugyeom gave an annoyed whine that had JB’s eyebrows disappearing into his hair. Jinyoung shoot a look at BamBam who was still sound asleep. He silently gestured to his room and opened the door for JB to slide in, quietly, he hoped. Closing the door behind him he turned to see JB staring at him as if waiting for further instructions. Jinyoung was honestly to tired to play responsible parent right now and since he now knew that yugyeom was safe there was nothing else keeping him up. He laid down on his mat and scooted as close to the wall as comfort would allow.

 

“Lay down,” he instructed patting the space next to him. He tried to control his smile as JB predictably turned a light pink.

 

“With yugyeom?” He questioned barely at an audible level. Jinyoung nodded. “You know if he wakes up that is going to be beyond weird for him right?” Jinyoung simply patted the mat again leaving no real room for discussion. If yugyeom wanted to be in his own bed he wouldn’t be holding onto JB like a baby koala (even though it was absolutely adorable and jinyoung would definitely tease him about it later). besides it was no secret among the members that yugyeom loved cuddles, especially when he was sleepy and or sick. Jinyoung was fairly certain he wasn’t sick; he didn’t have a fever anyways. Seemingly reluctant JB made his way to lay down but just as he managed to get both bodies vertically on the mat the maknae started to stir. JB shot Jinyoung an accusatory and panicked look over his head to which Jinyoung just rolled his eyes. He began to card his hand through the maknae hair in an attempt to either get him back to dreamland or wake him in the least startling way possible. It seemed to do neither as he  lay there eyes closed and face crunched up in confusion. Instead he sniffed the air. ‘ _ What the heck? _ ’ JB mouthed at jinyoung who simply shrugged. He’d never seen that before either.

 

“Hyungs,” Came the eventual half slurred question. Jinyoung almost laughed. Was he trying to sniff them out?

 

“We’re here gyeom,” He answered aloud with only a hint of his amusement in his voice. At the same time though JB said, “Do you want to go to your own bed?” It was jinyoung’s turn to send daggers over the maknae’s head. Despite all that yugyeom didn’t answer either of them he simply exhaled a breath he must have been holding and fell back asleep. A few moments after the yugyeom went slack once more jinyoung pulled the covers up over the three of them. He realized yugyeom still had his sweater on but he wasn’t complaining so Jinyoung figured he’d worry about it later. JB brought his arm over yugyeom and laid his hand to rest on Jinyoung’s hip. Yugyeom for his part seemed to relax even further if possible.

 

"Aigoo, He's so cute," Jinyoung Whispered.

 

"You're cuter," JB stated looking way too serious. Jinyoung resisted the urge to roll his eyes and closed them instead.

 

"Shut up,"

 

_______

  
Yugyeom woke up the second time alone and much more coherent. He sat bolt right up in Jinyoung’s bed. He had used his right arm to propel himself up and hissed in pain remembering the night before. Looking at it he realized with a sinking feeling someone had taken his sweater off. Someone knows. He sat there a moment dreading and thinking about his next move. Surely they wouldn’t leave him alone if they knew, but if they had seen they’d ask him where the bruises came from. He tried desperately to wrack his brain for an excuse that wasn’t cliche like  _ I fell,  _ or  _ I wasn’t watching where I was going and ran into something _ . Yugyeom was a lot of things,  _ stupid, worthless, not good enough--- _ but clumsy wasn’t one of them. Looking around he realized for the first time he was in Jinyoung’s room. With the light streaming in the glass doors from his and BamBam’s room he figured it must be pretty late in the morning, or day, he looked around himself before remembering he left his phone in his bag which didn’t seem to be in the room. Honestly he barely remembered getting home. After he left the practice room it all became a blur. It was a good thing their dorm was so close to the company. Finally after sitting awake and pondering, what the heck his life was, what he was going to tell his hyungs, and trying to telepathically figure out the time and if he was in trouble for not waking up in time to go to school his bladder called. Thanking the heavens that there was at least a bathroom attached to Jinyoung’s room he made a plan. He’d relieve himself, then creep to his room and slowly through the dorm and only interact when interacted with. If he could make it out without seeing anyone the better. He got up to pee quickly grabbing his tossed sweater as well. Just in case no one knew. No need to flaunt it. He could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sadly can't say how often I will be able to update with my ridiculous schedule but If I ever exceed two weeks again feel free to hunt me down.
> 
> Really hope ya'll like this chapter *Sobs* and it was worth the wait.
> 
> Sincerely your very sorry and very sad writer


	4. They know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s past noon, he shouldn’t be sleeping this long unless something’s wrong,” Jinyoung countered. “I’m going to get him up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp this is short and leaves more to be desired but I can't seem to connect it to the rest of the story and my head hurts trying. I'll sit down on my next day off from work and force two or three real chapters out but for all those waiting. Here's some cliffhanger angst to keep you going.

Safe to say things did not go as yugyeom had hoped but at this point he wasn’t completely shocked by that.

He got through the shower and into his empty room for clothes and to search for his bag, which wasn’t there either. He crept out into the hall and saw no one there either. The living room was empty also but as he got closer to the kitchen he could hear voices.

“--He’s fine, it’s not that late,” Mark’s voice called sounding like he was talking with his mouth full.

“It’s past noon, he shouldn’t be sleeping this long unless something’s wrong,” Jinyoung countered. “I’m going to get him up.”

“Jinyoungie if something were wrong you should let him rest, besides we already called the school,” Mark’s voice called out. So he didn’t have school, and it was past noon?! Yugyeom tried to remember the last time he had slept in so late, definitely before his trainee days. He stood there trying to think if darting passed the door or going back to his room was safest. He opted to go back to his room pretend to sleep more. Turning he was almost ran into someone in his haste to get away.

JB looked at him unimpressed. Yugyeom for his part froze momentarily before trying to sidestep around the leader who matched his steps and was directly in front of him again one eyebrow raised on an otherwise stone cold face.

“Jinyoung are you looking for yugyeom,” JB asked far louder than was necessary to be heard in the kitchen. Yugyeom didn’t even have time to entertain the thought of making a run for it.

“Oh, He’s up anyway jinyoung,” Yugyeom turned back around to see jackson hanging halfway out of the kitchen doorway. He hadn’t even known he was in the kitchen, which was rare for jackson. Suppressing a sigh and hoping at the least this didn’t turn into some kind of intervention Yugyeom shuffled into the kitchen as slowly as he could. As he rounded the corner he saw mark sitting on the counter eating ramen while jinyoung leaned against the fridge and jackson just hovered on the other side of the doorway everyone was looking at him in a way that made his skin crawl and in the air hung a thick--awkwardness. Realizing he probably brought the awkwardness with him he cleared his throat trying to think and speak around his hammering heart.

“Hyung have you seen my bag,” He asked jinyoung. Jinyoung always knew where everything was weather it was really missing or not.

Jinyoung just blinked at him.

Or not. Maybe he hadn’t brought it home like he thought he did. He instantly tried to recall what he had done last night. His brain instantly remembered Minhyuk crushing his arm with his foot--not that far back, the thought at himself hoping his discomfort at the memory didn’t show physically.

“You left it in the hall when you came in last night,” Jinyoung finally answered him. He turned to retrieve it without another thought.

“I’ll get it for you,” JB said turning to do so. Yugyeom just shrugged turning to join mark on the counter. Mark gladly scooted over for him and it was like the minute his butt hit the granite his mind cleared and it took every bit of his conscious willpower to not spring up and charge after JB to retrieve his bag himself.

Because that would be way to suspicious. It’s not like he had anything bad in there or even anything that wasn’t allowed but he never really let anyone touch it, not that anyone wanted to or tried. Once bambam had used it as a pillow and that had been fine because yugyeom could see him the whole time, and it wasn’t even his bag that he was afraid of anyone seeing. It’s just-

His journal was in there.

And like the prepubescent little girl Minhyuk liked to compare him to he wrote everything in there.

Like everything.

And he really was not prepared for anyone to read that. Nor did he think he ever would be. It was a baring of his soul, his deepest darkest. He wrote what little he ate in there, what he thought of others, what he thought of himself but most pressing to him at the moment he wrote about his--Altercations-- with Minhyuk in there and he really didn’t think that was the way to tell anyone, least of all JB. He had thought about just leaving his journal out somewhere for someone to find, it had to be easier than saying what was going on aloud. But he had never seriously considered it, and he was passed the point of seeking or wanting help anyway. Almost being found out twice was not so great for his heart and or nerves.  
Oh yeah and who was it that had taken his sweater off anyway? JB certainly had been acting the part but then again he was a rather protective leader and yugyeom had been practicing all night. Jinyoung would have woken him up the minute he noticed anything right? He looked up to look at jinyoung only to find three sets of eyes had been watching him stare at his hands lost in thought for god only knows how many minutes. Two sets looked away guilty at being caught but one just stared, unashamed, unbothered.

Oddly enough it was mark who kept staring at him not saying anything. Mark never said anything unless jackson or jinyoung made him. You could tell he was always thinking though which was unsettling. To be fair everything felt unsettling to yugyeom right now.

“Umm where’s Youngjae Hyung and BamBam,” He asked trying to think of something anything.

“They went to the company, Jae for a vocal lesson and I don’t actually know why Bam is there,” The eventual answer came from jackson. After a few seconds mark went back to his ramen slurping the soup that was left causing jinyoung to send him disgruntled looks. JB came back in with yugyeom’s bag and he was partially relieved. It didn’t look open and JB hadn’t come back in with a journal in his hand. But he his face was hard.

“Did you ask him,” He asked the room. Ask who what? Oh god was this the intervention yugyeom had been dreading? What did they know? He internally cursed himself for not thinking of a proper excuse before now.

“No, I was giving him time to say something,” Jinyoung replied. The hyung line was looking at him again and that awkward tension was back and it was only then he realized it wasn’t just him being paranoid or something. They knew.

They all knew.


	5. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyuk was a big guy. Yugyeom easily saw his hyungs fighting back if Minhyuk tried anything, they weren’t weak like him. But that only ever made him madder. And Yugyeom knew first hand just how strong he was and how good he was at breaking a person. Some logically part of his brain told him that he had spent the better part of a year breaking him and it was only two nights.
> 
> But he had broken him. And Yugyeom would be damned if anyone else was going to experience anything close to the real Minhyuk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so another chapter that's more than 2k words and actually when I said!!!!
> 
> so yeah I finally managed to close that gap from what I have planned to I had actually written so updates shouldn't be to far and few. I want to finish this so I can get to BamBam's Story >< I already know how that one goes but they are intertwined so Guess i have to wait.
> 
> Side bar but I'd really like an answer to this question though. Minhyuk is the bad guy obviously (in ways you guys don't even know yet) but he has his reasons. everyone does. so my question,
> 
> do you guys care what his reasons are? 
> 
> I haven't written them in the story and hadn't planned to they are just in my mind for when I am writting. but just leave a comment to let me know if you do! If you don't you can still leave a comment! I like those ;*

“Say what,” He finally spoke. Mark put down his bowl of ramen and everyone looked slightly, angry? What did they have to be angry about, they weren’t the ones being beaten to a pulp for every little thing they did wrong.

 

“What the hell happened to your arm,” Jackson asked with his all to serious face on. Yugyeom gulped visibly. He hadn’t come up with a story yet. Some stupid part of him had just hoped he wouldn’t have to. He couldn't even focus on that right now.

 

They were still staring at him and he was trying to control his breathing and not look as panicked as he felt. His stomach was churning in a way that made him nauseous and all of his earlier assumptions seemed to be proved right.

 

_They’ll hate me if they find out._

 

“It’s nothing,” He answered in a voice with no volume. _Get it together Yugyeom!_ “It was just a stupid fight,”

 

Now that was new. His hyungs all looked as surprised as he felt. He wasn’t quite sure where it came from but now that he had a base he could weave a story to perfection or at least enough to get them off his back. They may be upset for a while but at least they won’t hate him,

 

“What fight,” Jinyoung and Jaebum asked simultaneously. And he began to tell them. He made it as simple as possible not giving too much backstory and saying he didn’t really know the kid, he was from a different class. He kept the altercation as none detailed as possible and when he was done Jinyoung looked scandalized, JB looked pissed, Jackson looked impressed and Mark looked unphased.

 

“We have to get ready we do have a practice later,” Mark stated hoping off the counter and dragging JB, who clearly wanted to say something, out of the room. Jinyoung looked at him disappointedly then, and that look probably affected him the most. Including what he said next.

 

“We were really worried yugyeom, you can’t do stuff like that and not tell us. You shouldn't be fighting at all. You could have gotten seriously hurt. There’s some rice in the cooker, make sure you eat at least that before we go anywhere,” He said waiting until he got a nod from the younger before leaving as well.

 

“Seriously,” Jackson said into the silence after a minute. Turning to leave “I hope you won at least,” and then he was gone. Leaving yugyeom alone sitting on the kitchen counter feeling bad about a fight that never happened.

 

“I lost,” He finally answered barely above a whisper before letting one tear fall.

 

_______

 

Days turned to weeks turned to months and Minhyuk let up, on the openly visible parts of yugyeom. Even tho the less visible parts hurt a lot more he was particularly grateful that he didn’t have to come up with to many lies. He ate less than one would think humanly possible, practiced harder than anyone in the company,slept less and less as the nightmares made it feel as if he didn’t get any rest in the first place, and wondered more and more what he was doing here.

 

_Only go if you’re happy_

_Only stay if you’re happy_

 

These words ran through his head quite often along with-

 

_Be careful what you wish for_

 

He didn’t know if he could or if he should continue enduring this but for some reason he couldn’t make himself quit. It was the coward's way out and he’d be damned if he went through hell and back weekly if not daily just to leave. He’d be the only one hurt by that.

 

_______

 

Yugyeom gently tugged his shirt off wincing at the pain. Now that they were still slightly wary of him coming home covered in bruises. ( _from some fight at school,_ he internally scoffed) it was even harder to find time to examine the damage. There were two purple blotches on his chest now and they didn’t even look like fist this time. This time it had been because he took to long responding to a question. He frowned at his own body. He could never win.

“Yugyeom-ah, are you going to shower or not,” He head JB question outside the door. Yugyeom turned on the water and finished undressing his bruised body without another word. As the water washed over him soothing his aches and pains he couldn’t stop his mind from going back over the earlier events.

_Everyone was sort of tranquil. Well not really calm, nothing was really ever calm with bambam and jackson in the room but they were just getting ready for a break after some recording in the studio for their debut album. After Yugyeom’s turn in the booth he was feeling less than adequate. Even more so than normal._

_“Yugyeom-ah,” jackson said coming over to sit next to the dejected maknae. “You did fine. Nobody yelled at you did they?” I was a rhetorical question obviously jackson had been in the room, still yugyeom shook his head. Not that that fact made him feel any better. “And that’s because you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t compare yourself to youngjae the boys a freak of nature! And Jinyoung and JB have more experience than we do so don’t sweat it.” Jackson rambled one of his motivational speeches. It wasn’t so much the words that he was speaking but more so just his voice and tone and the way he threw his arm around yugyeom’s shoulder that made the boy feel the tiniest bit better. “ Also if push comes to shove we could use another rapper, we’re a hip hop group anyway. We don’t need to stinkin vocals,” Jackson said the last part louder to catch the said “stinkin” vocals attention which caused a tease war to break out and yugyeom couldn’t help the smile that crept up on his face until-_

_“Who told you, you could make all this noise in the studio!” A break does not mean time for you to be disrespectful. Now Yugyeom and I will go get snacks if I feel like it you lot might get something.” He scowled. Yugyeom didn’t move. “Yugyeom come on,” Minkyu added in a tone that was much less harsh than the one he’d used previously, but yugyeom wasn’t fooled he knew he was just putting on a front. The one he really wanted to yell at was yugyeom, though he felt like he’d never know why. It was silent as yugyeom followed minkyu to the vending machines. There were ones closer to the studio with similar items but minkyu was looking for a certain one he knew. Blind Spots for the camera, because of minkyu yugyeom knew JYP’s blind spots probably better than anyone. There weren’t to many but just enough for minkyu. There was no point in running, that only made it worse later and minkyu wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and despite the whole situation yugyeom didn’t want to be anywhere else. This was his dream. Once arrived at the vending machine and out of the visuals minkyu turned around looking more condescending than angry, which yugyeom had to admit, was a new one._

_“So you talk to jackson now?” Minhyuk questioned him. Yugyeom didn’t answer, he knew he was getting hit either way. Minkyu scoffed. “He doesn’t really care he doesn’t even know you. You want their approval but honestly your not good enough to be here so why should they,” yugyeom still didn’t say anything he didn’t know what he should say but it was clear at this point that Minhyuk wanted an explanation of some sort. Next thing yugyeom knows he’s sprawled on the floor with pain in his chest and wrist. He looked up bewildered having for some reason expected more warning than that. In his body’s knee jerk reaction to try and catch himself he fell all wrong on his wrist. God he hoped nothing was seriously wrong with either of them because you can’t really hide something that needs a cast. Minhyuk just laughed probably at his expression._

_“Alright now for your punishment,” As if he hadn’t already been punished enough? What was it going to be his ribs? Thighs? Stomach? Butt? He internally flinched at the last one, he still had trouble sitting after yesterday. “Choose.  Get Yourself something, or them.” Minhyuk explained pointing at the vending machine. Yugyeom waited for the other shoe to drop, for the catch to be made known. It wasn’t a hard decision he had already eaten his allotted calories for the day so he chose them._

_He made it back to the studio without minhyuk who deemed himself suddenly busy.  Upon entering his band mates pounced on him like a pack of hungry hyenas. He thought it would be better to explain what took so long before they asked. “I ate mine on the way here, I was too hungry to wait I guess.” Some of them shrugged this information off but the majority seemed upset. everyone takes something from his hands without a thank you, if they had bothered to look they might have seen how red his hands were from when he fell on them but they were too mad at him_.

_______

As they get closer to debuting Minkyu seems to be getting worse, but only on parts of yugyeom no one sees, yugyeom is so tempted to wear shorts regardless of the fall weather just to get someone else to notice. To get someone else to care.

_______

They all sat laying around the practice room and Yugyeom was fighting to stay awake. A losing battle. He’d gotten use to the dizziness, nausea, headaches, and hidden pretty well all the other less frequent effects of his diet and lack of sleep. At this point he was just numb. He went through the daily motions, performed when necessary interacted with as much spirit as he ever had but on the inside he didn’t feel the same level of enjoyment. Pain was the only emotion his body seemed to respond to well nowadays so he found himself just adding to the bruises Minhyuk gave him but with scars, and only late at night when he wasn’t sleeping anyway.

He loved his occupation and his members but now if he was honest he was afraid to get to close to either of them.

Minhyuk made it perfectly clear that he didn’t deserve them.

And they could easily be taken away from him at any moment which was. . . . True. It had always been true  but as afraid as he was of losing the good parts about being here, he can’t help but feel like the relief of losing the bad might just outway that. Then he feels guilty because here he is in a group with a set debut date (looming ever closer) and there are trainees older than their oldest members still waiting, hoping.

_I wonder if they’d be a better fit for my spot._

With that thought he sits bolt right up on the couch startling BamBam whose lap he was dozing in. Before BamBam got a chance to question him further than his startled expression all three of their managers walked in capturing all the boys attention at once. It was rare to see all three together at once.

“Well boys,” Manager Jaehyun started seeming excited. “We are going on a little trip, That’s JYP’s best kept secret and tradition” the boys stared for a second before Shouts and cheers erupted in the room. It was a little difficult to calm BamBam Jackson and ,only slightly surprisingly,  youngjae down after that but when they did it was manager Wonbae who did most of the talking.

This wasn’t  a vacation although they did want to boys to relax as much as possible and enjoy the experience this was on the job training for travel and concerts and other live performances. They’d have non-stop practices, run throughs, quite a few team building exercises, and on the third day they would perform in front of the CEO and a few others. Even with that news they still was a buzz in the room. Just where they going? What exactly would they perform, they already had perfect teamwork and they already lived together so this was going to be a breeze!

“It’s easy to live together in your home, you have rooms and other areas to hide or get away from each other if something is bothering you but we'll be staying at at hotel and we’re going to switch up the roommates aswell so someone you might not be that close with is who you might spend two nights with” it was Minhyuk of course who tried to silence their fun.

“But,” Mark suddenly spoke and like the good dongsaengs they were everyone else quieted “There’s seven of us, is there going to be a room of three,” They hadn’t thought of that, well obviously mark had.

“Well no, one of you will room with one of us. And in real life situations this will probably happen as well. You can rotate two people, rock paper scissors, pick out of a hat we don’t care we already decided it’ll be minhyuk who shares with whoever so just let us know when you decided we need to finish getting ready.” Wonbae explained before they all took their leave. It was like someone had literally rained ice water on their parade. No one spoke for a while.

“Well maknae time to earn your keep,” BamBam said throwing his arm around him from where he sat next to him on the couch.

“What,” Yugyeom blinked hoping his slow tired brain was misinterpreting what his friend was suggesting.

“Will you room with Minhyuk hyung,”BamBam clarified.

“No,” he answered almost before BamBam had his name out.

“Come on he likes you best,” Jackson joined in like it seemed like a viable option to him. Is that really what they saw? Where they blind?

“Come on we can decide this later right now we need to shower, head home and pack.” JB said rising to his feet and ending all discussion on the spot.

_______

All the way home Jackson and BamBam sent him puppy eyes, BamBam’s being much more effective but still that was irrelevant to his current train of thought. He found it easy to ignore them with the storm in his mind.

It was suicide to willingly be left in a room with minhyuk for any amount of time let alone overnight. He was numb yes but that didn’t mean he liked it. He still had some will, he’d like to think, left to him. Couldn’t they just do rock paper scissors and let the fates decide?

_Knowing my fate I’d still get chosen_

But that wasn't necessarily true. When they did rock paper scissors more often than not the loser was

BamBam.

There was no way Yugyeom was going to leave his best friend alone with Minhyuk for any amount of time. He was fragile, small and already upset by the tame things Minhyuk said to the group as a whole. No he wasn’t going to give Minhyuk the opportunity to put his hands on BamBam.

So what then? Ask for rock paper scissors and if BamBam lost. Take his place? That was like double (more like triple) the odds of doing it anyway. Or if it was one of his hyungs?

Minhyuk was a big guy. Yugyeom easily saw his hyungs fighting back if Minhyuk tried anything, they weren’t weak like him. But that only ever made him madder. And Yugyeom knew first hand just how strong he was and how good he was at breaking a person. Some logically part of his brain told him that he had spent the better part of a year breaking him and it was only two nights.

But he had broken him. And Yugyeom would be damned if anyone else was going to experience anything close to the real Minhyuk.

He was going to accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO yeah it's about to get a whole lt worse and I'm thinking about leaving the next chapter unresolved too. pray for Yugyeomie and my issues with maknaes I seriously need help. I think I also need to update the tags and warnings. . .
> 
> don't forget to comment whether you care to have Minhyuk's backstory or not! Bad guys have motives too!


	6. I can't anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *****WARNING DO NOT SKIP AUTHORS NOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!*********  
> I have updated the tags with a new warning: attempted rape/non-con elements.
> 
> It's not terribly long and it's not overly detailed but just giving you your warning.
> 
> I wasn't sure how far I was going to go with it but I could not take it that far so it is attempted. if you don't feel you can read it I understand of course but I wouldn't suggest skipping this whole chapter. instead of a dash for that section I'm going to use the ****** so of you want skip until you see the next ****** and keep reading. you by no means need to know the details.
> 
> BUT DO NOT SKIP THIS WHOLE CHAPTER!!!!
> 
> This chapter is 7579 words (Yay!) and you will miss a whole lot if you skip it. More character developement. More OT7, more JJP, not as much markson as I'd like but whatever, as well as some other revelations.
> 
> I just finished this now so I'll go back and edit it for mistakes later but hopefully there are no seriously cringy or confusing ones.

They had gone to Busan. They kept it a secret and made it seem oh so amazing when it was just Busan. Not that JB was going to voice his opinion out loud. Prior to JJ Project He could count the number of times he’d been to Busan: 0. But now he realized it was just another town like any other place.

“Jaebum-ah,” he blinked back to reality at Mark calling his name. Mark was standing by the window of the hotel room looking at him questioningly. It was then he realized he was still standing in the doorway. He closed it without a word coming further into the room. “You’ve been spacier than yugyeom all morning,” Mark said in that way of his, not really looking to start a conversation just stating what he saw.

“When do you think yugyeom started becoming so spacey?” He asked the elder. Mark was the quietest in the group and by default the most observant. Mark shrugged.

“Not sure, he doesn’t sleep much so he might just be tired,” Mark didn’t sound as if he put too much stock in his own words.

“You think I should talk to him?” JB asked only receiving a grunt and a shrug from the older. He dropped the subject knowing that when mark didn’t want to talk he wouldn’t.

______

“I SAW IT FIRST HYUNG!” Bambam’s shout bounced off the hallway walls before the door to his and jackson’s room slammed shut with a click. Jinyoung shook his head.

“We are not going to act like that while in our room right youngjae,” Youngjae simply nodded. Jinyoung seemed pleased with his answer and he found himself momentarily wishing that he had gotten placed with a more boisterous member as he envisioned his night filled with silent reading, something he hated to do. When they reached their own door they paused when they noticed that yugyeom still hadn’t entered his room. Surely he already had a key.

“Yugyeom? Why are you out here,” Youngjae couldn’t help but ask. Yugyeom startled like he had pulled him out of a daze, like he usually did these days.

“Oh, I’m just waiting for Minhyuk hyung,” He said smiling slightly at them. The smile seemed fake to youngjae and he saw no reason for him to use it but he sent back a sympathetic smile all the same.

“You can wait in our room if you want,” Jinyoung offered.

“I-” Yugyeom started before stopping abruptly. He shifted uncomfortably on his feet as he pondered something and Youngjae wondered what. Surely his and jinyoung’s room wasn’t going to be that bad. “I think I’ll just wait, Thank you though.” Youngjae simply shrugged making his way into the room. Jinyoung didn’t follow immediately but after a few moments of staring at the two beds trying to mentally figure out which one his hyung would prefer Jinyoung saved him from his existential crisis by coming in and dropping his bag. closes to the door

“So,” Jinyoung began unzipping his bag. “did you bring any of your homework?” Youngjae outwardly groaned. This just might be that bad.

______

“Hyung do you think yugyeom is avoiding me,” BamBam asked jackson from where he lay defeated on the bed closest to the door. The window had a nice view and neither of them had ever been to busan before. The wrestling match for the bed by the window had pretty much already been decided when it began but you can’t blame a guy for trying.

“Well did you tell him about your astronomical crush on him,” Jackson asked casually from where he sat arranging the fifteen or so snapbacks he brought on the desk they wouldn’t use for anything else. BamBam felt his face heat up.

“N-No,” He answered. He had already ended up telling jackson the whole story. How he and yugyeom couldn’t stand each other and how that eventually turned from hate to love ( _like?)_ at least on BamBam’s part. He wasn’t sure how his current best friend felt about him. Romantically of course.

“Well then no he probably is not avoiding you,” Jackson answered. Rearranging the snapbacks by color it seemed.

“Well yesterday when everyone else was packing and spending time with their roommates he was at the studio or wherever and came back to the dorm threw some things in the bag and left again,” BamBam vented to jackson’s back. Now that he was expressing his concerns for the younger he felt like he couldn’t stop. “I don’t even think he comes back to the room most night until late.”

“He pushed youngjae out of the way to sit next to you in the car,” Jackson was now arranging by style within the color and hadn’t there only been fifteen? It looked more like thirty now.

“He just slept the whole ride,” Bambam protested.

“Didn’t you just say he wasn’t sleeping lately,” Jackson was now leaning back to take a picture. Of his snapbacks.

“Hyung~” BamBam whined. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you.” Jackson spun around to face bambam in the desk chair with a serious face on.

“I’m listening really I am Bam,” He said staring straight into the eyes of the younger. “But this is something you should discuss with yugyeom. Tell him how you feel. Even if you’re not ready to confess yet tell him, as his best friend, how you feel. He’s more likely to open up to you then and maybe you can get him to open up some because I’m worried about him too. Really I am, I’m just trying not to be overbearing-” BamBam cringed internally, he remembers a few weeks ago when jackson had questioned yugyeom about his health and yugyeom and accused him of being just that in a not so respectful way. Thank god JB hadn’t been there. “And I’m hoping that if it gets to be too much that he’ll come to one of us as his hyungs.”

_______

“I don’t want to see you unless you're asleep,” Minhyuk said the minute he finally let yugyeom into the room. Yugyeom dropped his things in the corner and stood waiting for some further instruction. Not exactly sure how this was going to go. “Get out,” Minhyuk ordered and he didn’t have to be told twice he soon found himself in the hall again, staring at the next three doors not exactly knowing what to do. He could go to Jinyoung and Youngjae’s room, they had offered. He could go to BamBam and Jackson’s room, but he could practically sense the former about to pounce on him with questions he didn’t really want to answer. Jinyoung would probably be the same if he thought about it and he didn’t want to deal with that and Mark and JB--

He turned to their door to see Mark looking at him. He probably had spaced out again but with his lack of sleep he was finding it harder and harder to focus and it seemed he had a million things to worry about these days. He stopped himself before he could zone out again.

“Just don’t really have anywhere to be right now,” He found himself explaining even though the elder hadn’t said anything. Mark simply hummed stepping aside to widen the doorway. Yugyeom didn’t even really think about it he just walked in the room.

_______

Yugyeom was asleep. On JB’s bed. JB stood at the foot of the bed frowning.

“When did he get in here,” JB asked. He had just been stepping into the shower when Mark said he was going to find something to snack on. Now he knows he took a longish shower but he couldn’t imagine Mark having enough time have gotten food and the maknae to sleep. And why was he sleep in JB’s bed.

“I found him in the hall looking like a lost puppy so I had him come in here, I just told him to sit down. I’m not exactly sure when he fell asleep,” Mark said which JB doubted since when he came out of the shower Mark had been watching yugyeom as if afraid he’d wake up or disappear or something. “Stop pouting JB,” Mark said. JB glared at him. Im Jaebum did not pout. He did not have the ability to pout.

“I’m not pouting,” JB clarified. “We have to go soon.” so they had another hour and a half before they had anything to do but JB couldn’t lay down. Mark was in his own bed and Yugyeom was in JB’s.

“Leave him alone Jaebum,” Mark asks before turning back to his phone.

“Hyung~” JB whined. Mark smirked. Yeah JB was definitely pouting.

_______

That nap did more for yugyeom than he ever felt was possible. He felt bad for falling asleep on mark who he was sure had been talking to him but man if he didn’t need the rest. The day seemed actually fun, they danced, they ate, they did different games they already played and some variety show games they had yet to try and they failed miserably at some but they had fun and Yugyeom felt more like himself than he had in awhile. And all he had had was a nap. At this moment they were lounging around in a conference room eating for the second time that day and Yugyeom didn’t even think about what he was eating, how many calories. He just enjoyed his stomach warm and full as he laughed and bantered with his Bandmates.

“Glad to have you back Yugyeom,” Jackson said after calming down from his laughing fit after Yugyeom dealt a punishing blow to BamBam’s behind after he lost a round of the sense game.  “BamBam really missed you,” Yugyeom choked on the drink as BamBam pelted Jackson with his palms in a very youngjae way, both their faces matching shades of red. After a few moments there was an awkwardness that settles as the elephant they’d been ignoring was suddenly back taking up space.

“Nice Jacks, way to ruin a mood,” Mark stated crunching on a chip in an almost comically loud way. Jackson whined crawling over to the older who simply pushed him away. Repeatedly.

“Sense game?” Youngjae asked suddenly.

“One,” JB was the first to pop up.

“Two,” Jackson was a quick second despite his whining a second ago.

“Three!” Both BamBam and Youngjae shouted. But Youngjae was a second slower.he squealed and tried to run from his fate. Due to time constraints by the time they finally caught youngjae they figured yugyeom would be the only one to deliver the blow (since they found out he easily hit the hardest)

Watching Youngjae be held down as his backside was presented to him for hitting did something to yugyeom and his smile slid off of his face. He wasn't like _him_. He was NOT going to hurt youngjae. He shook his head erasing the images of himself in youngjae’s position and focused.

This was a game. They were just playing. He was not going to really hurt youngjae.

He would never hurt anyone.

_______

After Lunch they had much more serious practices both vocal and dance. Yugyeom had retreated back into his shell and couldn’t seem to shake the dark cloud that appeared earlier but everyone was more quiet and focused anyway so he didn’t stick out like a sore thumb like usual. They were performing on a stage now. It wasn’t the first time but there was a sense of reality now along with several pair of eyes scrutinizing their every move.

Jackson had the wrong footing

BamBam tripped up on a part in his rap

Yugyeom needed more swagger on his part

So did Jinyoung

And Then the Martial Arts Tricking didn’t go as planned the last time.

Mark had slipped on something, probably the sweat dripping from their every pore but what mattered was that he slipped. They all knew the instant Something went wrong because he gasped in his own shock and the sound was the last thing any of the other members of GOT7 would tell you they heard in that moment if you asked them. He was airborne but he hadn’t gotten enough air to flip properly and as a last ditch effort he felt himself twist into a ball landing on his shins everything else hopefully properly protected. It didn’t happen in slow motion like they say but rather it seemed over in an instant. Nobody moved. The Members, not having moved from their positions of watching him flip the instant it went south, were still standing in a group on the other side of the stage as the music turned into BamBam’s rap section the staff, their managers everyone just stared at mark curled up on the floor. Yugyeom was the first to react dashing to his side.

“Hyung?” Yugyeom asked more frightened than he’d been in a long time. His bandmate, his hyung, someone he cared about was hurt. What if it was serious? What if he couldn’t perform with them at their Debut, it wasn't that far away and if his leg/legs needed a cast he wouldn’t be able to. What if he couldn’t walk again? What if he couldn’t be in Got7 anymore? What if—

“Yugyeom I’m ok,” He heard Mark say. Mark was sitting now, cross legged in front of him looking at him with concern like he was the one who just fell.

“Are you sure,” he asked. Clearly he must have hit his head. Marklaughed his high pitched laugh either at what Yugyeom said or his facial expression he didn’t know but it didn’t matter. He was just happy to hear it. Maybe he was ok.

“Yes, I'm really ok. You don’t have to cry,” What? Yugyeom wasn’t crying.

“I’m not crying,” Yugyeom scoffed. Mark raised his eyebrows,leaned over and wiped some moisture off of Yugyeom’s face. When had he  started crying? At this point others had begun descending on their scene, the music had been turned off long ago, although when exactly Neither of them knew. It’s amazing how a crisis can give you tunnel vision and hearing. There was several choruses of “hyung!” and “Are you ok?” and Yugyeom took that opportunity to wipe furiously at his face, still mortified he had cried so easily. Their managers were having a conversation a few feet away and when it was finished Their Manager Jaehyun came over to talk with the boys. It had been decided that they had done enough for today and would resume practice tomorrow but in the meantime he was going to take Mark to the hospital to make sure nothing was wrong and the rest of them should get something to eat and some rest since it was already pretty late and they needed to be up early.

Once Mark was up and leaving after a few ignored complains of “I’m fine guys really,” The rest of Got7 released a breath they didn’t know they’d been holding. Yugyeom was two seconds from slipping back into deep thought when Jackson pounced on him.

“Awe, were you crying baby~” He cooed in Yugyeom’s ear. The heat rising to his face was instantaneous.

“No I wasn’t,” He tried to deny but ironically enough he wasn’t a very convincing liar in that moment. Then as always with Jackson things escalated quickly. He was now demanding a kiss since Yugyeom was being so cute, which lead to them rolling on the stage, Yugyeom protesting vigorously that he was too big for this while none of the rest of his hyungs helped. Infact Jinyoung stated that if Jackson ended up getting a kiss and he didn’t he would be extremely hurt.

“What are you doing,” Minhyuk sighed. Yugyeom froze instantly which sent him slamming into Jackson was was still pulling him not expecting that. Luckily they were already on the floor. “Just Go back to your rooms please. Your separate rooms.” He clarified before walking off. They looked at each other, then as if on cue they looked at JB.

“Let’s go,” JB shrugged, so they did. Yugyeom couldn’t help but feel a sense of lose as he watched his other members enter their rooms before entering his with Minhyuk.

_______

He probably should have kept his mouth shut but it had been Minhyuk who told them to go to their separate rooms in the first place and Yugyeom would gladly be somewhere else if he had told him he ‘didn’t want to see his Ugly face’ earlier. JB had been texting him to come over and eat something anyway so when Minhyuk had gone silent he had shot back an “ok hyung,” in preparation to leave. Before he had time to do more than put his phone in his pocket Minhyuk was grabbing him. It was then he remember Minhyuk was taller than him, as well as he learned a few things.

One Minhyuk was drunk. His breath reeked of so much alcohol Yugyeom wondered how he was still standing.

Two Minhyuk was way stronger than even he knew. He lifted yugyeom off the ground until he was eyelevel with him and just breathed in his face.

Through all of this Yugyeom kept a blank face as he learned to do when dealing with Minhyuk.

The third thing he learned about Drunk Minhyuk was he was insane. Minhyuk suddenly threw him with a force that all but confirmed theory number two. He went hurdling into the dresser hitting the side  with his side just right and he knew from the pain he was going to start bleeding any minute. He whipped around ignoring the burn to face his attacker ready to defend the next blow. But Minhyuk had his back to him and he was taking a long chug of Soju. Not wanting to be here when he finished Yugyeom darted for the door.

 

But he also darted passed Jackbam’s room where he knew he knew everyone had designated to hang out since they could deal with the mess that would be left. He made up in his mind to go to the lobby bathrooms to asses the damage before gracing the rest of the group with his presence. He darted past the elevator aswell which and raced down the four flights of stairs until he got to the lobby. He forced himself to calm enough not to run through the lobby for fear of seeing someone who knows him,whether a manager or a different staff member here for their “thing” as he made his way to the public space bathroom. Luck seemed to have chosen that moment to pay attention to him since there wasn’t anyone else in the bathroom. He slowly peeled his shirt up to reveal that yes, he was in fact bleeding, but it wasn’t actually that bad. At Least it wasn’t as bad as it felt. There wasn’t blood dripping down his side nor was there a gaping hole but one decent  size slit of a cut diagonally about the length of his middle finger. He prayed it didn’t scar. He dabbed at it with some wet napkins to clean the already present blood before slowly lowering his shirt. Thankful that there wasn’t any blood on it he made his way to the front counter to see if he could get a bandage or a gaze of some kind, not really wanting to leave an open wound, no matter how small. Especially one that might continue to bleed and actually show through his shirt. The guy at the counter gave him three large bandages which he thanked him graciously for. Now he had Backup for if or when he needed to change it. After patching himself up he headed for the stairs again  but he only made it in between floor two and three before he was shaking to much to continue let alone stand. He sank down on the stairs and tried to calm down again.

He was shaking and trying with all his might to hold back the tears because he knew he couldn’t explain red and puffy eyes. Not to mention if he started he didn’t know if he’d be able to stop. He was terrified, and he was shocked, quite frankly, that he wasn’t having some kind of a mental breakdown or panic attack. Then a gain maybe he was. He was borderline hyperventilating in a stairwell of a hotel curled up as small as his to long limbs would allow trying to do nothing but breathe and disappear. A feet he realized he was currently unsuccessful at as a woman and a little girl skid past him with sympathetic looks. He was so worked up that he started to apologize for being in the way and all that came out was a sort of gasping whips of air before he snapped his mouth shut. This caused the lady to pause and ask him if he was ok which isn’t what he wanted at all so he nodded before burying his face back in his arms hoping she’d go away.

He just wanted to be alone. He was just so scared. After everything Minhyuk had done he could still scare the living daylights out of Yugyeom with something new. Before tonight he had never made him bleed before and he had this ominous feeling like they’d just entered into a territory that there was no coming back from and that this soon like the bruises might become a permanent part of their messed up cycle. Like if he didn’t tell this time, it was like he was saying he was ok with it. Which he wasn’t but he still didn’t know how to open up that can of worms that seemed to be growing every hour. But he really didn’t want to end up in the hospital or worse.

A while later (How long Yugyeom didn’t remember time had no concept to him in that stairwell) his butt vibrated and he remembered his phone. He lifted his head, grateful to see the lady no longer staring at him and saw he had a text message from JB.

You coming?

That’s right. JB was waiting for him. JB cared enough to try and feed him and make sure he was ok when he didn’t show up. JB didn’t want him to end up in the hospital or _worse_ either. And his other members probably wouldn’t either.

 _But would they believe you?_ A voice that sounded way too much like Minhyuk for Yugyeom’s comfort sneered in the back of his head. Then he was back to his old dilemma. He had been lying for so long. They were suppose to just accept the truth now? Even if they did they’d be pissed at him for lying maybe even so much to not care what had happened. Then there was JYP. Let’s say it was all sunshine and roses telling his bandmates. Why would JYP believe Yugyeom over his childhood friend who was sure to deny the accusations no matter what Yugyeom’s body showed, Bruises (and cuts) could come from anywhere. He sighed stealing his bubbling confession down deep again knowing it’d be a while before he got the urge to confess again. And headed back to the fourth floor on much less shaky, much more numb legs.

_______

“I’m glad they had fun,” Jinyoung commented into the now quiet room. Yugyeom had arrived, they had continued eating, everyone pretended not to notice yugyeom pick at his food, or how he was seemingly back in his funk.They then turned the TV on and stopped at some drama the minute they saw Yugyeom perk up in interest. It apparently was some kind of marathon but after three episodes it quickly became background noise for the shenanigans that always seemed to happen when all seven of them where together with nothing else to do. Slowly but surely whatever had been plaguing the maknae  seemed to disappear from his mind as his laughter filled the room and they couldn’t be happier to have heard it. Pretty soon they were all on the unspoken understanding that it was time to wind down as they all tuned back into the Tv which was now playing a different Drama that Yugyeom was more than happy to catch them up on the details leading until the currently playing episode. Not even a full episode later Jinyoung found himself with a lap full of maknae who was still staring at the tv as if nothing had changed and if he wanted to lay on him jinyoung wasn’t going to stop him. BamBam tried to curl up to Yugyeom’s side but was instantly pushed away. He didn’t try again like Jackson would have but sat there pouting looking at his friend until JB pulled him into his own lap. The pout was still there but it was less pronounced. Soon thereafter They both were sound asleep along with Youngjae who was draped over the foot of BamBam’s bed where everyone but Mark and Jackson were lying or sitting. It was crowded but comfortable all the same and Jinyoung wouldn’t have moved them for anything. He couldn’t help but brush his hand across Yugyeom’s face. He looked so peaceful in his sleep but moreso it was the fact that he looked so young, so innocent. It made Jinyoung want to fight off every single thought or thing that ever made him frown or sad in general. He knew that everyone still awake understood that when he said ‘they’ he was talking about Yugyeom.

“Yeah he seemed down earlier, but rooming with Minhyuk I can’t blame him,” Jackson murmured quietly from his side of the room.

“He but he seems down like that a lot,” JB added.

“Well he’s always with Minhyuk,” Mark slightly startled them with his response from where he lay on jackson’s chest. They had assumed him asleep for how long it had been since he opened his eyes. He had come back with their manager and a clean bill of health not long after they ate and they of course had saved him some food. They looked back in their memories and found him to be right like the ever observant person he was.

“Well then we’re going to have to change that,” Jinyoung looked down at the boy sleeping in his lap making a silent promise to him.

 _I’ll protect you._   


“We can change that in the morning but right now we need to get everyone _comfortably_ in bed,” JB said wiggling from under BamBam to stand up. “I’m sure you could actually sleep like that Jinyoungie but if we leave youngjae like that he’s going to wake up sore and that bed’s not big enough for the four of you and youngjae’s afraid of the dark so I’d be cruel to leave him alone in your room.”

“I wasn’t going to leave him alone but we probably could all fit,” Jinyoung looked up at JB hopefully.

“Not likely,” JB deadpanned. Can’t blame a guy for trying.

“What about Yugyeom,” He asked. Surely they weren’t going to wake him up and send him to Minhyuk, they just talked about this.

“Him and Bam can share, it wouldn’t be the first time,” Jackson offered. JB wasted no time manhandling BamBam under the covers and picking Youngjae up who surprisingly enough woke up exclaiming he wasn’t a baby and he could walk.

Jinyoung just sat there with Yugyeom in his lap listening to his rhythmic breathing.

“I can’t help but notice that I’m doing all the work here,” JB accused.

That’s what Dad's are for,” Jackson input using the chinese word for dad.

“Did you train him to say that,” JB didn’t even turn to jackson.

“No, he’s always been more your son than mine,” Jinyoung countered. “Mark is definitely an eomma’s boy though,” Mark scoffed at that.

“What are we even talking about,” He murmured. Grunting in disapproval when Jackson laughed too loudly causing him to bounce on his chest.

“Get up before youngjae falls asleep again,” JB warned as youngjae slumped over in the desk chair now in the corner. Possibly already asleep again.

“Fine, lift him up for me,” Jinyoung asked. JB sighed.

“How is it I managed to get from underneath Bam and get him under the covers without picking him up.” Although he complained he still complied and Jinyoung quickly stood up and went to try and rouse youngjae again.

When JB picked Yugyeom up he let out a small noise and his face scrunched up in discomfort. JB could definitely feel something through the thin fabric off his shirt so when he gently placed him down on the bed he lifted up his shirt out of curiosity and saw the bandage. “This is Deja Vu jinyoung and I’m not liking it,” at the tone in their leaders voice the hyung line get up to see for themselves. They look at each other in silent worrying communication. Do they wake him up? Do they look under the bandage?

“Well ask him tomorrow,” Jinyoung says quietly pulling the covers over Yugyeom and BamBam before going back to usher youngjae out of the room and into their.

_______

They don’t ask him about it the next day.  They didn’t have a single moment to themselves it seemed. They were so busy fixing mistakes and running things and keeping Yugyeom away from Minhyuk (as much as wasn’t suspicious) and keeping him happy (at least on Jinyoung’s part.) They didn’t ask him. Then that night when they were finally let go Yugyeom went straight to His room which none of them had a key to. Jinyoung texted him but got no response, assuming he went straight to sleep.

 

* * * * * * * *

Yugyeom had retired to his room under the guise that he was tired. He could feel moments throughout the day when his members looked like they wanted to say something to him but luckily they didn’t get the chance. He didn’t realize how tired he really was until he passed out moments after falling into his unused bed. The bed felt uncomfortable compared to BamBam’s he had woken up in.

He woke up to someone running his back and for a moment he didn’t know where he was. When he remembered he stiffened. Who else would be in his and Minhyuk’s room?

“I was so upset when you left me,”Minhyuk whispered in his ear. His eyes snapped open in horror. Couldn’t he sleep in peace? “Make me feel better jagiya.” **_what?_ ** Minhyuk was clearly drunk again but what the hell was he talking about? Did he not even recognize yugyeom? In one fell swoop minhyuk flipped Yugyeom over so he was on his back but this position ,caged under him, wasn’t any better. Before he had time to process or react to what was going on things escalated quickly.

He was kissing him. He started on his arms to his shoulders, his neck and despite his vigorous and useless thrashing eventually his lips. Yugyeom could taste the soju washing off Minhyuk’s mouth and he wanted to vomit. More importantly in that moment he wanted to die.

He’d never seriously contemplated death before but in that moment he wanted nothing but death. Minhyuk was so heavy and he couldn’t push him off, he was barely able to shield his face as minhyuk was holding his hands down.

 _Please,_ he never asked for much but _please_.

He felt a cold unwanted hand roaming under his shirt and he instantly yanked down his arms out of the preoccupied Minhyuk's other hand to stop it from getting any further. Yugyeom didn’t understand this turn of events one minute he was sleeping on his bed and the next Minhyuk was on top of him. He could feel everyone of his nerves hyper aware, which only made Minhyuk's unwanted touch feel even worse.

He wasn’t hitting yugyeom but this felt much worse.

Minhyuk started ripping at yugyeom’s clothes saying they were in the way. Yugyeom felt his blood run cold and  his body froze. _In the way for what._ Without giving an explanation, not that yugyeom had asked out loud, Minhyuk began trying to undress the boy. Yugyeom’s fight or flight instincts kicked in and he struggled the pry himself from underneath the man his mind going numb.

“No please, get off me, get off me!” Yugyeom screamed at the top of his lungs before Minhyuk's large rough hand was on his mouth covering it entirely, crushing his jaw. A drunken blow landing on his chest releasing what little breath was in him.

“What have I told you about making a scene” Minkyu slurred angrily. With his hand over his mouth yugyeom couldn't even apologize if he wanted to. “ now are you going to be a good boy and take them off?” Minkyu asked. Yugyeom could not believe his ears, this was something he could not submit to, it was too much. Yugyeom forcefully shook his head receiving him a punch. Minkyu asked again, yugyeom refused again, and got hit. It was an easy enough pattern to follow but yugyeom wasn’t giving in. He’d take all the hits in the world for this to not go where it was headed. He wasn’t a child he knew what kind of situation he was in, he just was having trouble processing it past _please no_.

 

Minkyu proceeded to try himself but yugyeom squirmed and tucked his body to prevent Minkyu access as much as he could. After god knows how many blows to various parts of his body yugyeom couldn't put up as much of a fight as he would’ve liked and Minhyuk manager to get his shirt off. Flinging it around over his head in triumph the drunkard lost his balance and fell onto the floor and off of the maknae, who wasted no time in escaping.

He ran to the bathroom and used the lock he had notice the other day thanking his lucky stars it was there. Part of him realized leaving the room would have been a better option but his legs didn’t feel as if they’d make it that far and he really didn’t want to explain what had just happened anyway. He didn’t want what had just happened to be real.

It was quiet out there, to quiet, Yugyeom waited on pins and needles for Minkyu to react, but he didn’t. He slid down the door body still pressed against it as if it was going to disappear any moment he was crying again but he couldn’t get any oxygen to make any noise. The little breaths he managed were sort gasps. He sat on the floor shaking, hurting, bleeding he vaguely realized and praying harder than ever before. He didn’t know what he was praying for exactly but everything just felt wrong and he was so confused and hurt, and he just wanted to know why? He just wanted to know, anything at all in that moment when everything seemed uncertain, harsh and cruel. He sat there listening, praying, and feeling like he was getting no answers.

* * * * * * * *

there was banging on the door suddenly behind yugyeom startling him out of a sleep he didn’t know he’d fallen into.

“KIM YUGYEOM OPEN THIS DOOR!” Minkyu pounded. Yugyeom froze praying the lock and the door would hold. “KID YOU ONLY MAKING THIS WORSE! YOU HAVE TO COME OUT SOMETIME!” Minkyu sounded less slurred but still mad and yugyeom wasn’t suicidal.

“WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? I HAVE TO PEE YOU IDIOT!” what was his problem? What was his problem?! Yugyeom suddenly had a sinking revelation that he didn’t know what time it was. Had Minkyu been so drunk last night that he didn’t remember what happened? There was very forceful shoving on the other side of the door and yugyeom thought it might give for a moment. Then nothing.

He thought he might have heard the door to the room open and slam close but he didn’t trust it. He didn’t feel safe enough to move. Hell he didn’t feel strong enough to move. He’d never been hurt that badly in one go before, so he wasn’t exactly sure how he was going to get through the day.

Several minutes maybe hours (whatever it was  felt like days to the maknae) later the door opened again.

“Yugyeom-ah?” Yugyeom heard jackson’s voice. His heart sung at the hope of a  sudden rescue. It took everything in him to make his voice work and it came out sounding very hoarse.

“I’m in the bathroom,”

“Are you ok?” how do you answer that? There was too much raging inside him to suddenly release on his poor member in hotel room that yugyeom had no desire to be in anymore.

“Yeah, just a little tired.”

“yeah I heard about Minkyu being drunk last night. I’m sorry you had to room with that idiot, next time just come to my room again,” Jackson said sounding disgusted at Minhyuk and then earnest in his offer. Although the ‘next time’ made yugyeom shiver which caused aches throughout his body.

“Yeah I’ll be sure to do that,” it was quiet for a while and yugyeom was wondering what jackson was thinking about.

“Well we have to go soon so I’ll meet you in the lobby?”

“yeah,” was all yugyeom managed to reply. Then jackson was gone.

_______

He can stand. He can walk. He can function. By some miracle he’s not broken on the outside. He wears clothing that easily hides the body he couldn’t bare to look at in the mirror. Minhyuk was nowhere to be found, but he didn’t really care either way. His performance outfit, like his clothes did a good job of hiding most of his body but he wouldn’t even entertain the thought of calling it luck. He did everything right, just like he was suppose to., and if he wasn’t suppose to do it he didn’t. He didn’t smile outside of performing, he didn’t laugh or joke around. He didn’t even try to reassure his members when they questioned him, just gave half ass excuses about being tired. JYP seemed pleased, however, he wanted them to hurry and leave as to meet him back at the company building to fix some vocal recordings he was not all that pleased with for whatever reason and although he was flying they still had a six hour drive ahead of them. At least. JB ordered him to sleep on the way since ‘he was so tired’ and he didn’t protest rather than talk and interact. Somehow he actually fell asleep. He was awoken to BamBam shaking him out of the dark images his subconscious had conjured up.

“Hey you ok,” He asked. Yugyeom didn’t say anything just looked at him.

“Was that a nightmare,” Jinyoung asked and he turned to see everyone looking at him. Even Wonbae was glancing at him in the rearview mirror. He found himself nodding. _Why lie_ , he thought dryly before closing his eyes and placing his head back to rest on the window ignoring the rest of their questions until they stopped asking.

When they arrived at JYP the man himself was not ready for them yet so they opted to hang out in their dance practice room until called. Yugyeom excused himself to go to the bathroom. He went down the hall, past the bathroom and into an old unused storage room that he knew didn’t have a camera. He just really needed to be alone right now. He took a shaky breathe, pacing the room.  Even just the energy to not explode was taxing. No he hadn’t pretended to be happy today but he couldn’t very well break down like he wanted to. He idly grabbed a box cutter in the room before all but collapsing on a box as his legs gave out on him, not for the first time today. He wondered how actually ok he was. After sitting for so long in the car everything ached with renewed vigor not to mention he had already almost passed out twice today. His wounds that were actual wounds hadn’t actually been taken care of and there was no way he’d get away with longs sleeves and pants for as long as it was going to take him to heal this time. That didn’t matter right now. Right now he just wanted to feel in control.

He looked at the box cutter in his hand. Right now he just wanted a pain that he choose. He just wanted something to ache, something to bleed, because he made it. Not anybody else. If he had a different pain he could focus on, maybe he wouldn’t lose his mind. He was positive in his current state it would take far too long to get his pants on and off again and he wasn’t at home so the thought of that anyway was a bit weird.

Sleeves were easier to roll up. That was far more risky. Dangerous. He had avoided cutting his wrist because it was cliche’ and not as easily hidden and if it scared then everyone would know. Everyone would know that their was something wrong with him. They didn’t have to know or at least he wouldn’t have to deal with it. Not if he---

The door opens and his head snaps up to see the reason he knows that this room doesn’t have cameras. Or more accurately the person.

Minhyuk stares at him with a box cutter in his hand, his right sleeve rolled up. The small coverless light bulb hanging from the ceiling bounces light off of the silver knife tip mockingly as if they both can’t see what it is.

“Give it to me,” Minhyuk orders calmly. Yugyeom’s eyes go wide. The thought of Minhyuk with a weapon was terrifying.Yugyeom throws the knife instead. Then it was minhyuk’s turn for his eyes to go comically wide as he strides towards Yugyeom. Yugyeom tumbles off the box he’s sitting on and half dives half crawls behind a row of boxes.

“What the hell is your problem,” Minhyuk growled at him throwing the boxes shielding him out of the way in his anger. One of the last boxes hits the light just right and sent it shattering into pieces. Yugyeom ducked his head to protect himself from any wayward shards as he was enveloped in a pitch darkness. Suddenly he was yanked up causing him to yelp out in suprise and pain. “What did you think I was going to cut you you idiot? You think I have time to baby sit you to keep you from doing stupid things? Have I ever needed a knife before?”

“I’m sorry.” Yugyeom meekly replied. It was Clear Minkyu did not remember last night or any of yesterday. Either that or he was an insane madman who just assumed yugyeom was a little helpless puppy who’d act the same towards him no matter what he did.

Slap.

It wasn’t any harder than usual but it stung ten times worse.

“You will listen to my every command,” Minkyu punched him in the gut, hard followed by a knee which he bent yugyeom over. “Do you understand me?”

“Yes, please,” Yugyeom begged, more like wheezed “I won’t do it again.” normally he could take this but today, he just couldn’t. Not after what happened yesterday, he couldn’t help but pray and beg that this was as far as Minhyuk would take this. Yugyeom just wasn’t strong enough, not anymore. He was afraid. _Someone please._ He couldn't bring himself to beg aloud for help. Minhyuk threw him back against a row of old rusty lockers and his head hit the metal hard enough to daze him. _What was he so mad about_.

“Don’t you fucking beg me, Don’t act like you did nothing wrong,” Minhyuk brought his hand around Yugyeom throat and slammed him back into the locker once more. Black spots danced in his vision. He briefly wondered how minhyuk could even see him enough to hit him or grab him, it was so dark in there, so very dark.

 _Please,_ Yugyeom must have accidentally begged out loud because he was slammed into the locker again and his hand he had around minhyuk's slid down to his side. One more. One more time and He’d be gone he was sure of it. A different kind of darkness, a welcome one.

There was light suddenly shining on them and he briefly wondered if he was already gone, but no, he realized he hurt to much for that and the gasp from whoever it was told him it was just someone entering the room.

Someone was entering the room.

he turned towards the door as much as he could in his current position and saw BamBam frozen at the sight before him.

"BamBam," He called out, pleading with everything, crying, wheezing, shaky arm extended to the older. weak in every sense of the word but he didn't care.

He couldn't do this anymore.

He needed help.

he wanted help.

a second later BamBam snapped to his senses and ran back out the door as if the devil was chasing him.

It shut softly behind him enveloping Yugyeom in darkness again.

alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is actually done as well but I'm going to wait a bit, proof read and edit the current six chapters
> 
> see if I actually like it, then post it so until then! *slams computer knowing I only have four hours until I have to be at work* no sleep for me. . .


	7. Yugyeom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just Yugyeom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so happy with this it's ridiculous. I have never been more proud of a grouping of words, sentences, and paragraphs that have come out of my head and through my finger tips. This chapter isn't nearly as long as the previous one, or the next one hopefully but it says everything it was suppose to. I hope you guys like it but even if you don't I really do!!!

Time stood still. Nothing made sense but everything made sense. As yugyeom dashed away looking as if the slightest wind would break whatever his walls were hiding. As Minhyuk went looking for yugyeom. It felt wrong. As Bam came back from the “bathroom” He knew something was wrong. When they finally saw them. When he saw the look of desperation on yugyeom’s face. Everything made sense. Everything he had observed up until this point  easily clicked into place as if the explanation should have been obvious. He wasn’t nearly as observant, as all knowing as he should have been. The whole time all he could think was, _get_ _yugyeom, yugyeom, yugyeom, yugyeom, yugyeom, yugyeom._

Mark Tuan is stronger than he looks.

Mark carried Yugyeom into a nearby practice room and sat with him on his lap on the floor in the corner. Jackson stood guard over the two on their journey and in the room growling at anything that moved. He wished he could do more put Yugyeom was all that mattered. He wasn’t a violent person, but he had to keep himself pacing in front of the duo on the floor lest the anger he never experienced before find a new outlet.  No words were spoken between them, just yugyeom’s soft whimpers and sniffles. The only important thing, replaying in his head like a mantra was _Protect yugyeom, yugyeom, yugyeom, yugyeom, yugyeom._

All traces of the overexcited puppy gone.

Youngjae felt as if this was his defining moment in the group thus far. When BamBam had first come up to them pale as a ghost and obviously unaware he was speaking thai youngjae was the first to follow him and got an eyeful of the most horrible thing he’s ever seen. Even worse he got an earful first. Of yugyeom screaming. His blood ran cold but his body was on autopilot as he opened the door. Stumbling back in horror as everyone else pushed forward. he was the one who called the ambulance like Jinyoung told as he ran after JB. He was the one who held BamBam out of Jackson and Mark’s way,  his self-doubt, insecurities, all were meaningless all that mattered was _help yugyeom, yugyeom, yugyeom, yugyeom._

Finally, he could see how he fit.

Jinyoung had to catch JB. Minhyuk had gotten away. Minhyuk had barreled out of the room knocking him over and JB had been like the devil on his tail. He barely registered what the others did as he shouted orders at youngjae, the only other coherent Korean and dashed after two madmen. He trusted them to help the maknae but his heart tore in two as he turned his back on him. They had obviously done to much of that. He had to stop things from getting out of hand. He had to fix this. God only knew what JB would do. He entered the garage, following the trail of chaos and confused people the two left in their wake. Minhyuk in his car. JB in front of it. _He wasn’t close enough_ . JB barely registering his voice, barely jumping out the way. Jinyoung is on him in a second as they watch Minhyuk drive away. His brain barely processing this as a bad thing. He didn’t care, He needs to get back, he needs to _see yugyeom, yugyeom, yugyeom._

He might have let JB kill him.

JB was going to kill him. He new he had a temper, everyone did. He had never lost it like this. He wanted his hands around Minhyuk’s throat like his had been to yugyeom’s, he wanted to make him bleed. If he had gotten his hands on Minhyuk he probably wouldn’t remember what happened. He barely remembered anything until- “JB!” Jinyoung? And Minhyuk was trying to hit him with a car. He moved out of the way, hating himself for it. As he watched the bastard drive away. He needed a car he was not letting that bastard get away so easily- “We need to go back,” Jinyoung was still there. Jinyoung was right. He didn’t have time right now. He got to his feet and ran with just as much vigor back into the building. There was something more important on the other end. But if he ever saw Minhyuk again-- No, not right now. Right now _only yugyeom, yugyeom._

Next time he might kill him.

Curiosity, Concern, Anger? Did it really matter? It led him to see. The hall was to quiet, he could hear where they were long before he saw. Maybe he should have listened in more, but no he had to see. To see his friend, to see his love, hurt. So obviously broken like that. There was no air in his lungs. it was the first time, It had to be the first time, yugyeom would have said something. His body was on autopilot. _Get help_ . He didn’t even stop to think if he should leave him until he’s already back in the room. And everyone’s just sitting there like nothing's happening until he’s screaming at them but they're still not moving just looking at him confused and then he realizes he’s not speaking korean but he can’t remember korean not a single word! Then youngjae is there and finally _finally_ they are moving. Then yugyeom screaming, then his hyungs are in front. He can’t see anymore, he doesn’t want to . Minhyuk goes by, JB goes by, Jinyoung is shouting and then he’s gone to. Suddenly youngjae is moving him and he gives him a confused look until he sees Mark carrying yugyeom somewhere with Jackson. But where are they going? He doesn’t wanna go. Youngjae is on the phone but he doesn’t go anywhere and BamBam’s grateful. Until  he’s off the phone and youngjae starts pulling him somewhere. He doesn’t wanna go but he doesn’t protest. Then there’s jackson glaring until he realizes it’s just them. Mark in the corner with Yugyeom on his lap and the height difference would be comical in any other situation. But yugyeom is crying. “Yugyeom,” he hears his own voice but just like everyone else in the room he freezes at the sudden audible intrusion to the unspoken need for silence. Then yugyeom is apologizing. Over and over again and Bam Bam can’t take it because it’s like he’s admitting his worst fears. This isn’t the first time. Then JB and Jinyoung are back and Youngjae is singing and it sounds so sad. BamBam knows it a lullaby but it makes him cry anyway and someone is holding him but he’s to trapped him his own head to figure out who. Why is yugyeom sorry? Why is this happening? Why did he let this happen? Why did they let this happen? Why was Minhyuk doing this? Why did yugyeom think he couldn’t tell anyone? Why didn’t they notice? And--

_Why Yugyeom?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm at a cross roads again so it might be a bit before the next update.
> 
> now that we know Minhyuk is in the wind I really want to post the first chapter of Bammie's story! It's already done and this one's burnt through my current creative juices so why not?
> 
> Although that might give away some stuff from later in the maknae *decisions, decisions*


	8. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was nothing good or funny about this situation.
> 
> Ten years from now Jinyoung doubted he’d ever want to think about this let alone bring it up, if they all were still speaking to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and the worst author award goes to. . . ME!  
> I can't apologize enough to the wonderful people who read this story. I stared working six ten your days a week and literally did nothing but sleep and work. Realizing that that is not health (nor is the pay good enough for the stress) I am going to ask my boss for part time hours. (wish me luck) hopefully I'll be able to actually write and function like a normal person.
> 
> Excuses aside I sincerely apologize for the tardiness and the fact that this chapter is so not worth the wait. (read it anyways please ><) and not this was also suppose to be another longer chapter but I didn't finish plugging the holes of the other parts so there is no Yugyeom in this chapter and I feel horrible but I figure it would be easier to update if I just break the seven sections into smaller ones so I can not make anyone still holding out hope this good for nothing author will update wait forever again.

Jackson was pacing. Again.

“Sit down Jackson,” Jinyoung sighed exasperated. Jackson’s obvious pent up anxiety was playing on his own.

“I’m sorry,” Jackson said going to sit on the other side of youngjae on the couch in the room. They were held up at the company building, not aloud to go home because Minhyuk had keys to their dorm. Not aloud to go to the hospital because visiting hours were way past over. Even if they weren’t they still hadn’t seen Yugyeom.

He didn’t want to see them.

He’d told manager Wonbae that when he woke up again. He didn’t want to see them and that all but confirmed Jinyoung’s guilty feelings. He blamed them. He was really saying that this was all their fault. Mostly everyone reacted with equal levels of hurt and guilt because what could they say? They let one of their bandmates, their maknae, slip through the cracks. Jinyoung especially, he called himself taking care of the group all while missing something as monumental as this. He should have pushed harder, he should've watched him more, they shouldn’t have left him alone with minhyuk so often. God, when he thought of all the times they were alone it made him shudder to think of all the chances he had and probably used, to hurt Yugyeom. Yes this was their fault. Leave it to Jaebum, however to get mad. He didn’t say anything at the time, and even now while they sat homeless waiting for the verdict on just what the hell they do now, he was silent but Jinyoung knew JB’s moods better than his own, and new he was livid. Just what he could possibly be mad at other than himself, other than Jinyoung, he didn’t know but he just avoided asking him for fear of starting an argument he wasn’t ready to deal with. BamBam suddenly moved from where he sat on Mark’s lap and everyone’s attention was on him. His tear stained cheeks donned a slight pink tint.

“Thirsty,” He answered everyone’s silent question in his hoarse voice from misuse and crying Jinyoung presumed. This seemed to hit him particularly hard because for one BamBam didn’t cry, ever. He may have been the cute one but Jinyoung could count on one hand the amount of times the boy had cried. Including this time, and the tears seemed to keep coming at random intervals. And two, being the second youngest and best friend of Yugyeom he might just feel a tad guiltier than the rest which, with the guilt currently consuming jinyoung, he doubted as soon as he thought it. He was just sensitive to the situation and probably a little dehydrated from all the water he was losing. He grabbed a water bottle from the pile next to the untouched food they all silently agreed they didn’t deserve. None of them were hungry anyway. He came back over and just hovered in the space instead of returning to mark’s lap. Mark was having none of that and reached over, manhandling him back onto his lap. No other words were spoken in the room, it’s like they were waiting for the other shoe to drop, or someone to jump out with a camera with Yugyeom and minhyuk smiling about the good prank they pulled and a cake would appear and they’s laugh and breathe sighs of relieve and ten years from now Jinyoung would remember it and lord it over their heads forever.

But it wasn’t a prank.

There was nothing good or funny about this situation.

Ten years from now Jinyoung doubted he’d ever want to think about this let alone bring it up, if they all were still speaking to each other.

_______

He didn’t want to see them. Like this was something they had done like they were the ones who--

But they weren’t. They hadn’t lifted a finger, one way or another, but they didn’t know!  Jaebum may have been the leader but he wasn’t omnipotent for godsakes! There were six other members to look after and yugyeom had been doing his damndest to blend in with the wallpaper, that was obvious now. Even Whenever JB had asked him simple questions he--

He lied.

Flat out lied. He hadn’t gotten in a fight at school. They could have fixed this they could have helped but no, he lied.

How the hell were they suppose to help him if he lied to them, but it was their fault?

“OK guys let’s go in,” Manager wonbae said parking the car. Everyone complied without a single word. The only sound was the unclicking of seatbelts and opening and closing of doors. Once inside they all headed towards the stairs foregoing the elevators they didn’t deserve. Wonbae sighed as he lead the downtrodden boys up the five flights of stairs to their floor.

JB took up the rear with manager Jaehyun, Silently watching them trudge up the stairs, this had been the longest day of their lives and he wanted nothing more than for it to be over for his members. None of them were at fault, Youngjae and BamBam especially, they were just kids who had their own lives to worry about.

Somehow, probably because they were all too busy in their own heads but suddenly Jackson was bumping into him and when he looked up he saw them all sort of leaning on each other like a domino effect started by mark who probably ran into Wonbae hyung who was looking at them in exasperation but simply shook his head turning back to the front door that had a policeman standing out front.

“Evening officer, is something wrong?” Wonbae asked. The young officer smiled reassuringly at them.

“No everything quiet. I know we said we’d clear out before you got here and everyone else is gone, I just stayed behind to speak with you about what happens now.” he explained stepping aside for Wonbae to opened the door.

“Alright then,” Wonbae said sounding as tired as JB felt. “Why don’t you kids head inside and we’ll be there in a minute.” For the first time in so many hours JB heard the voices of his group mates along with his own, all mumbling or shouting out protest. They barely got past the chorus of ‘Hyung. .” before they were interrupted by a different louder presence.

“Yah!” Jaehyun hyung shouted right next to JB causing him and everyone else to startle and turn to him. He took a moment to collect himself before continuing. “Do as Wonbae says,”

Youngjae was the first to scurry forward into the now open door head down, Jinyoung followed suit after shooting JB a pleading look that he couldn’t decipher the meaning of. BamBam sighed before starting to walk forward with Jackson, they were holding hands JB noticed. Mark and JB made almost no move. Mark, Jb observed looked like he was having some internal dilemma. Like it was taking ever ounces of his will to stay put, or maybe to move JB didn’t know, mark was very hard to read sometimes and the only thing JB could clearly see from him was the tension. Jackson paused in passing and grabbed mark’s hand and Mark made no visible notion that he felt it other than to interlock their fingers. Jackson then continued his way into the dorm still holding mark’s hand and forcing him to come along with him and ultimately making the decision for him. The other four just stood there with JB trying not to look at any of them.

:Jaebum,” Wonbae Hyung called softly and JB couldn’t help but flinch slightly at his name being called. “Go on, we’ll meet you inside in a bit. Get them ready for bed.” _Be the leader you need to be, Don’t be difficult, this is adult business._ JB ignored the voices repeating phrases he heard in all to often, bit his tongue and made his way into the dorm. The door was promptly shut behind him and it took all of his pride not to press his ear against the door in an effort to ease drop. Sighing he made his way into the living room where he knew the members would be converging. As he expected they all turned to him and took and unconscious step into his personal space bubble upon sight. No one said anything though.

“I didn’t get told anything new,” He started clenching and unclenching his hands in an effort to stay level headed. “We should just shower and head to bed, we can deal with this in the morning and they're not going to tell us anything right now, and we might hear more then.” no one moved to do as he said, not that he expected them to, they didn't all the time but right now he was very much over the disrespect bullshit. He pushed past them with as little violence as he could and went to sit on the couch. He could care less what they did right now he really wished people would just choose. Do you want him to be the leader with responsibilities or not.

“Jaebummie hyung,” Jinyoung called causing him to jump again at his name. He slowly lowered down onto the couch next to him staring at him in concern. When JB caught up to what jinyoung had actually said he felt his ears getting hot as he looked around the room  noticing all the others were gone.

“They listened, about two seconds after you started fuming on the couch,” rubbing his hand up and down JB’s forearm. He was obviously trying to calm him down but he didn’t need that right now.

“I wasn’t fuming,” He said taking his arm from under Jinyoung’s touch. “I’m just tired and irritated. You should probably go to,” He looked away focusing on the blank screen of the TV as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. After a minute he saw Jinyoung’s silouette get up and leave. He wasn’t trying to piss his boyfriend off he was just really hated when he approached him like some wild animal. Yes he had a bit of a temper and he _use_ to have a short fuses but he was doing just fine. In fact Jinyoung should be proud of him for how well he was doing considering how idiotic literally everyone else was being. Although he also knew that the main reason he hadn’t blown up was because the main person he wanted to blow up at, wasn’t around.

“Yeesh, what did you do to Jinyoung,” Jackson said coming down the hall and plopping next to JB on the couch. “You know he holds grudges right?” Jackson had thrown himself on the back of the couch and had proceeded to make himself comfortable.

“Shouldn’t you be with mark or something,” He questioned turning to him in a huff. Jackson’s eyebrows went way up and almost disappeared into his snapback.

“He’s helping Bam in the shower, him and yugyeom used to always shower together mark didn’t want him to feel bad or something,” Jackson rambled completely oblivious to how Jb stiffened at the mention of the maknae. “Although it kind of makes sense now why they stopped.” Jackson observed seemingly to himself unknowingly reminding JB of how yugyeom had lied and hid things from them.

“Shouldn’t you be getting ready then,” JB tried again to detangle the boy from the couch and himself.

“Well I’m like fourth in line now and with Mark and Bam in together it'll probably take twice as long so-” Jb really couldn’t take it, he got up and decided to wait in the kitchen by himself as he could still hear the door open from there. He’d get the answers he wanted  when he wanted them and he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Now if he could just wait in peace, he might not explode today.

He sat there focussing on the tiles on the floor, the dirty counter that needed to be scrubbed, the arrhythmic him off the refrigerator and anything and everything that was not Kim Yugyeom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize Jinyoung's part seems short and there is another Jinyoung section coming later and JB's section wasn't finished either for that matter. *cries*  
> Thanks again for waiting, reading, and leaving kudos. 
> 
> Honestly the only reason I didn't say forget it and give up on the whole thing was because of the amazing comments I received and the desire to not disappoint you guys. So again author is very very sorry and will do better in the future, hopefully with a part time schedule! even with school coming back. . .


	9. Don't Wanna Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt trapped in his own body and mind. They looked at him with so much pity and that’s because they don’t really know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeyyyy. . . I'm back.  
> This is short but on the bright side I don't have a job anymore (yay?) so I don't have anything else to do but write.  
> I was listening to 7 for 7 while writing this and teenager came on (that is my shit btw) and my angsty train of thought was cut off lol.
> 
> But like I said no job atm so already working on wrapping this up.

He just wanted it all to stop. He wanted to go back to before everyone found out. There was no sense of relief, no weight lifted off his shoulders. If anything the weight seemed to get heavier. Everyone kept touching him without his permission. Everyone was staring at him, there were far too many people starring at his exposed body than could ever be comfortable and they saw his legs so they know now. And they keep asking him-

_What happened?_

The paramedics, the doctors, the managers, PD-nim, a psychiatrist.

His parents, and if that didn’t hurt emotionally almost as much as he did physically. Yugyeom’s eomma kept apologizing but for what yugyeom didn’t have the energy to find out or ask.

He wanted to answer but he didn’t. It was the most terrifying thing. He felt trapped in his own body and mind. They looked at him with so much pity and that’s because they don’t really _know_ . They don’t know he never said anything for so long. They don’t know he’s been lying, covering for _him_ , even though the only rational part of him left screamed how wrong it was. They don’t know and they’ll only get mad at him if they found out. They’ll be disgusted and maybe think that he was some sick person who liked it. They’ll think he likes having bruises covering 50% of his skin, a mild concussion, two fractured ribs, a dislocated shoulder---

They’ll think he liked almost being raped.

No he can’t tell them what happened.

He doesn’t know what happened.

He can’t find his voice to even begin to explain what happened.

Then someone, the psychiatrist he thinks, as him, “Do you want to see your members?”

He shakes his head so violently he’s reminded of his concussion. “NO! no-I don’t want to see them.” The only words he spoke aloud.

He wants nothing more than to see his hyungs. To have them make it okay. To be wrapped up by his adoptive family and shielded from all of this.

But in reality he knows they’ll hate him and he’s not ready for that, will probably never be ready for that.

So he says no.

_______

JB nearly finds himself drifting to the escape that is sleep when he finally hears it. The door is opening he’s up and out of his seat so fast they barely make it to the shoe rack before he’s starring at them expectantly. Wonbae hyung sighed.

“Let me get my shoes off Jaebum-ah,” JB just nodded not speaking. Both managers started the slow process of taking their shoes and coats of with what felt like unnecessary care. By time they were both done JB was internally doing breathing exercises to keep his cool. _Now was not a good time to blow up like an_ _ungrateful brat._ Banishing that destructive train of thought focused on simply staying quiet and observant. Both managers looked tired, stressed, and sad. He supposed everyone involved probably looked similar but he could understand why they specifically would be taking it hard. As far as he was concerned between the three of them this was on them. They should have known something wasn’t right, they should have talked with him more. He should have been there for him.Something was obviously wrong or bothering Yugyeom lately and he--they just ignored it.

“Let’s go sit down,” Jaehyun hyung requested making his way around JB and into the living room. JB followed with Wonbae hyung close behind. The living room was deserted so Jackson must have gone to seek some other form of human contact in JB’s absence. He would have to remember to apologize to both him and Jinyoung. None of this was their fault. Both managers sat side by side on the couch and JB sat on the floor in front of them, coffee table pushed to the side and legs folded underneath him.  Jaehyun hyung quirked an eyebrow but said nothing.

“Where are the others,” Wonbae said breaking the silence.

“Getting ready for bed like you suggested. Do you want me to get them?” JB asked slightly confused.

“No, we can talk to them tomorrow. Although, you all didn’t eat the food at the company, did you not like it,” Jaehyun hyung questioned.

“I-”JB bit his lips calculating. They didn’t mean to waste food but they just _couldn’t_. “I’m sorry but we just weren’t hungry. I can pay for the food.”

“Relax Jaebum none of you are in trouble. I figured as much would happen, we just want to be sure you aren’t hungry,” Wonbae reassured him. Before sighing again. “Ok Minhyuk still hasn’t been found and there’s a few things we need to do to ensure all of your safety until he is. The Building owner will be by in the morning to change the passcode and the locks and manager Jaehyun and I will be staying here with you all tonight. Also that means you all need to be more alert and aware, you’ll get full time bodyguards wherever you go during the day and at night, and this is important: No more midnight convenient store runs, no more afternoon strolls, no wandering around anywhere at anytime that your suppose to be here. We won’t put a security detail in the dorm as long as you remember to call us anytime any of you want to go out for anything.” JB blinked at them. Neither of them showed any signs that they were joking. Although they seemed to be overreacting now obviously wasn’t the time to bring that up. Minhyuk-ssi never had hurt any of the rest of them, never even showed any signs that he was interested in anything other than yugyeom even before they knew why. In loo of speaking his thoughts or feelings JB just nodded. They seemed satisfied with that and relaxed a bit as if they thought he would do anything but agree. And why would he? They seemed like good rules, especially for BamBam and Youngjae, if on the off chance something did happen he didn’t know if he could handle that. Definitely not right now.

“And now I think it’s time you got to bed,”

“Hyung-”

“Im Jaebum, were all tired  and over stressed right now sleep is the only thing on my mind. I gave you your answers and I have nothing left to say, we already have to repeat it all tomorrow so for now go to bed please,” The fact that Wonbae hyung felt the need to use his full name said it all. JB new a losing battle when he saw one so reluctantly he went and headed towards the kitchen.

“Where are you going,”Jaehyun asked suspiciously

“I left my phone in the kitchen,” he replied truthfully.  Continuing on his way to get it. He’d left it right next the the kitchen doorway but they didn’t need to know that. As he suspected they started conversing in whispered voices as soon as he was out of sight.

“Alright I’ll take the first watch since all you can think about is sleep,” Jaehyun hyung teased in a hushed tone.

“I didn’t lie, I’m exhausted and it’s fine you can go call or see your wife first I can take first watch it’s not that late yet,”

“Nah she’s going to be mad either way I’ll see her when I can actually stay, besides the kids are more important right now.”

JB figured enough time had passed for him to  have been just retrieving his phone so he made his reappearance staring at said phone as if he hadn’t heard a word. He didn’t spare them a glance as the room fell silent upon his return in a ‘we were definitely talking about something’ kind of way. He walked into his room half expecting to see youngjae asleep or something. Not expecting him to be gone. Taking a moment to breathe and remember he can’t be gone he’s probably just with one of the other’s in their room since JB was in such a bad mood. _I wouldn’t want to be left alone with myself right now either_ , he thinks. That just makes what he plans to do that much easier. If the managers are going to keep watch it only makes sense that he does too. He is the leader after all. He has a lot to make up for for the past, god only knows how long, but he’s going to try that’s for certain.

He set an alarm (on low) to wake him up in an hour, just in case. He figured he could wait an hour and sneak out into the kitchen. Figuring the manager's would alternate between the extra bedroom and the living room. In the meantime he was going to write. He pulled out his notebook and sat down on the mattress he and youngjae shared. As he stared at the blank page he had turned to nothing happened. Moisture was the only thing the paper seemed to accumulate. His eyes were so blurry and he couldn’t even see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up markson as well as Youngjae and Jinyoung (what even is their ship name????) anyway hopefully some BamBam as well as finally everyone together. (we'll see how yugyeom is feeling about that)


	10. Falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s over. All of this is over. Almost four years of his life away from his family, friends, and everything he’’s ever known: Gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know no one reads these author's notes anyway but I posted this relatively when I wanted to so I'm proud of myself for that. Also I'm not going to drag this out much, ( finally gave it an end chapter number) and I am leaving out a few things but I might post them as one shots later or something but I know how I'm going to end this.
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter!

BamBam didn’t speak the whole time him and Mark were showering which, outside of the current circumstances, was odd. Bam Danced and sang in the shower half the time without any accompanying music. BamBam begged and whined until you scrubbed his back for him and (depending on the member or their level of patience) washed his hair. It was a hail mary when Yugyeom took over ninety percent of the ‘showering with Bam’. That was the only reason Mark had offered in the first place and Bam had seemed to perk up a bit, it was a miniscule change, but at this point he assumed he could read them all perfectly. He was obviously overconfident in his ‘powers of discernment’ which lead to him wondering, what he had really been missing.

Then Bam doesn't so much as look at him let alone acknowledge his presence which leads his hypothesis to be correct. But if people would just be honest there wouldn’t be any need to figure out what’s going on or how to fix it if people would just open their mouth. If Bam had just said he’d rather shower alone or if Yugyeom had just said Something. Anything.

Maybe they could have fixed this or stopped it before it got so out of hand. Before one of their members was in the hospital. Before what little trust and friendship their little family had created was broken. Before this thing they were striving for together was over, and wasn’t that a depressing thought.

It’s over. All of this is over. Almost four years of his life away from his family, friends, and everything he’’s ever known: Gone. Now he’s sitting here wishing he’s never gone and feeling guilty-

“Hyung,” BamBam calls jerking him out of his trainwreck of thoughts. Bam is now dressed and staring at him staring at his shirt mid motion of putting it on. In lieu of speaking he pulls it over his head and turns gathering his stuff. “Hyung,” Bam calls him again and he realizes he might actually want something.

“Yeah,” Mark says turning and giving him his full undivided attention. He’s not going to miss anything from a micro expression to breathing pattern. His dongsaeng deserves every bit of his attention. Just like yugyeom did.  _ Does _ . Bam stares at him for a moment, analysing  _ him _ and he has to swallow down the little hysterical bubble of laughter he can feel in his throat because isn’t that ironic.

“Are you okay,” BamBam  asked almost guardedly. As if he expects Mark to either lie or break down maybe. Both are plausible outcomes but he doesn’t want to lie and he would never be that weak infront of anyone. He’ll bottle it up for later when he’s alone.

“No,” He answers truthfully and just as he suspected BamBam’s eyes widen a fraction in surprise. He almost feels smug at finally being able to predict something again. Almost. “But I’m the least of our concerns right now,” and he feels his body start to panic again and he wouldn’t do that--couldn’t do that here.

So he waves as carefree as he can before making a hasty departure going from room to room not registering anything really other than the frantic and increasingly arrhythmic beating of his heart, the heavy anchor sitting in the pit of his stomach and how this is totally not fair I mean he made it the whole afternoon without freaking out and now  _ now _ he can’t breathe? and the more he focuses on those things-

The slight tremor of his hands

The sweat he can feel accumulating everywhere

The inability to breathe-

He may have slammed his door harder than necessary but he didn’t have full control over his limbs.

_______

 

After what felt like eternity but definitely enough wallowing on the couch jackson got up to go to his and mark's room expecting mark to most likely be down for some cuddles what he wasn’t expecting to find was a mark on the floor in the fetal position, hyperventilating.

“Mark?!” He calls trying not to shout or panic. Was he hurt? Did something  _ else _ happen?

Even as Jackson rushes to kneel in front of him Mark didn’t even seem to register that he was there. His eyes were wild and he was pulling at the neck of his hoodie (well actually it was jackson’s but that’s besides the point) so tight his hand was as pale as his face, which was currently void of any color. Jackson reached a hand out a hand to touch- to comfort, or get his attention maybe- and was startled by the yelp of seemingly pain that erupted from Mark as he wrenched himself from under where Jackson's hand and barely brushed his. They sat there frozen for a moment, well Jackson froze as his mind seemed to short circuit but Mark continued to make noises. It seemed like once his mouth started he couldn’t stop. It was like he was trying to say something but all that was coming out was various whining noises. Jackson didn’t know what the hell was going on but It was obvious he was out of his depth here and there was no way in hell he was going to touch Mark again but get help, yeah that was something he could do. He didn’t know if the managers had come in or not but this was more important-Mark was more important than whatever they were talking about.

“I’m sorry,” He said not knowing if Mark was even aware of him or what he was saying. Hell he didn’t even know what he was apologizing for. “I’m going to get someone ok? I’ll be right back.”

As he turned to leave Mark’s hands shot out and gripped his arms in a grip that he couldn’t help but hiss at because jesus that hurt!

“No! I need. . n-need. Just need-”

“What do you need?!” Jackson didn’t mean to seem or sound harsh but his patience and nerves were fried for the day. Usually he could wait through Mark’s occasional stuttering but right now, just not right now.

“Shut up! I n-need a m-m-minute okay? Sixty seconds. S-shut up,” Jackson didn’t speak but his eyebrows disappeared into his hairline, not that Mark was looking at his face. 

Ok, he’d play ball right now sixty seconds was all he’d get out of whatever little courtesy Jackson had left and if this didn’t stop then jackson would scream for help if he had too. Hell he might still do that either way because this wasn’t normal.

After a few seconds, forty-seven to be exact jackson watched the digital clock they had tick away agonizingly slowly. Mark’s hold on his arms loosened sending painful prickles up and down his arms as the blood flow returned. Mark wasn’t exactly breathing normal but it was slower and quieter. After a beat or two jackson spoke first, as usual.

“What the hell was that?” He felt mark stiffen and prayed to god he hadn’t set him off again until he spoke.

“I thought you went to go talk to JB,” Mark murmured in his low deep voice that in any other situation given their close proximity might make jackson think dirty thoughts or atleast make a joke or two but given the seriousness of the current situation he opted to at least not do the latter.

“I did and he stormed off like the big baby he is. I don’t know what his problem is but this is something we have to deal with as a group and not a good time for him to blow up. Don’t tell him I said that,” Jackson rambled until he felt some more of the tension leave mark’s body. “I thought you were in the shower with BamBam”

“We finished.”

“No shit,” Jackson deadpanned earning an unexpected giggle from mark. Who then proceeded to repeat the swear before giggling again; he always found the way jackson said ‘shit’ funny. It was only then that Jackson even realized they were conversing in english, whether he walked in and started speaking it or if they switched somewhere mid conversation he couldn’t remember but that was hardly the point he thought smiling to himself, he got mark to laugh. Maybe now they could have a serious conversation about this.

“Mark-”

“No Jacks,” Mark cut him off probably already knowing what he was going to say. But he should also know that Jackson wasn’t giving up that easily.

“Can you at least answer my first question,” Silence. “Mark-”

“It was a panic attack.” ok. Not exactly what Jackson was expecting.

“Seriously,” It had looked like Mark was dying or something, weren’t panic attacks psychological problems? “Are you sure? Does anything hurt?”

“Uh-” Mark obviously hadn’t been expecting that response. “Yeah I’m positive,” Positive. Did that mean-

“Is this the first time-”

“I answered your question already,” The building strain in Mark’s voice was evident but Jackson had to push. Just a little bit more.

“Follow up questions never hurt anyone,” Jackson grumbled. Mark sighed.

“Please Gaga,” Oh that was a low blow. “Can we just go to bed cuddles would be nice right about now.” two can play at that game.

“Yien,” Mark visibly froze at jackson’s soft tone. “I just want some information on what’s going on with my best friend,”

“Jackson seriously just drop it,” Mark sounded cold again now that the whole ‘gaga’ thing didn’t work.

“What is going on with you? You seriously think secrets are the way to go right now? You seriously think I would be able to sleep knowing there something wrong-” Bad choice of words.

“Wrong with me? Where you seriously about to suggest that there is something  _ wrong with me _ .” yeah. very bad word choice but as Jackson opened his mouth to back track Mark waved him off. “ Don’t bother. I know you didn’t mean it. Your Brain-to-mouth filter is shit. But fine I’ll enlighten you since you don’t seem to be able to take a hint and drop it before you say something you can’t take back. No this wasn’t the first time, it probably won’t be the last, they aren’t as frequent as they use to be, different things trigger them, no, no one else here knows not even the company and I’d like to keep it that way, at least for now so please if you don’t want to cuddle that's fine, you need a shower anyway, but please I’m exhausted, even more so now, so  _ I’m _ going to bed,”  Mark said sounding borderline worked up again and the last thing Jackson wanted was a repeat performance of before. He was slightly hurt by Mark’s rant, at least the beginning of it but now did not look like the time to address it. So he complied simply crawling into his own bed and holding his arms and covers back in hopeful invitation. Mark watched him momentarily with obvious caution and tension in his shoulders interlocking and tugging  his long slender fingers intermittently.

“Come on, you know I don’t bite unless you ask me to,” oops. Jackson brain-to-mouth filter seemed to be broken still. Mark simply scoffed before relenting and snuggling into Jackson’s bed with him. Jackson had a whole grandiose plan of waiting for Mark to fall asleep first and staying up with him if he couldn’t and maybe getting him to talk some more but having mark in his arms and the colossal amount of emotions they were all assaulted with that day he’s just glad that the tension in Mark’s body dissipated before he drifted off.

_______

That Insolent, contemptuous, thoughtless manchild could sit there for the rest of his life as far as Park Jinyoung was concerned. Who the hell did the think he was? That this was just affecting him? Maybe Jinyoung wanted or  _ needed _ his so called boyfriend right now.

“Jinyoungie,”Jackson called looking like he was two seconds from attaching himself standing octopus style to Jinyoung.

“Leave me alone,” He gritted out brushing past him to get into his own room. Well really the maknae room that he lived in. Mark and Bam were Showering so he didn’t have to worry about human interaction again until tomorrow at the earliest. He was cold and his heart felt like lead and ice all at the same time and he was thinking all sorts of rash things,  _ like breaking up with JB,  _  That he knew he needed to be alone for a while before he really do or say something he knows he’ll end up regretting. As he opened the door to his room the sight before him melted his heart.

“Hyung,”


	11. not your thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s okay Jae, ,it’s going to be OK,” Jinyoung said in the softest voice youngjae had probably heard from anyone other than his mother and it’s been a long time since he heard it even from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll start off by saying thank you.  
> I really appreciate everyone who left a comment of just read my last 'chapter' in general because knowing someone cares makes a big difference. I screenshot all of the comments to keep them forever.
> 
> now this chapter is beyond short but i really wanted to end it were I did and it kinda got away from me. Youngjae wrote this whole chapter himself I swear because this is not what I had planned but I like it so it stays. 
> 
> its literally only 1000 words but it signals a turning point in the story and it worked out well I think.  
> It's only Jinyoung and Youngjae present in this chapter but it's kinda cute? idk
> 
> hope you enjoy.

Youngjae found himself in jinyoung’s room holding on to a stuffed bear while the world went on without him. Everyone else was probably still being productive but for once he couldn’t force himself to ‘catch up’. He stared at the impressive array of books Jinyoung had on his wall without actually reading any of the titles. Jinyoung was so smart. Everyone was smart, actually, except for him. He was just kinda here.

And there it goes again. That little voice that has to remind him how perfect they all are. Separately and together. Zoning back into the books and away from his head he remembers what Jinyoung told him last time he was in here.

~~~~~~

_Youngjae sat on Jinyoung’s bed tossing the bear and catching it as he waited for his hyung to check his english homework. He would have asked Mark or Jackson but they had went out on one of their ‘NOT- a -dates’ and asking bambam just seemed weird. He spoke english but this was writing. “It’s mostly right but you need to change the tense on this was.”  Youngjae beamed at him as he hurriedly fixed what was wrong before stuffing it back in his bag._

_“Hyung, wanna watch a movie,” Youngjae asked. Now that his homework was done he had a little freetime like everyone else and he would not be practicing anything. At Least not right away._

_“I wanna finish this book right now. Why don’t you ask yugyeom and BamBam.” Yugyeom was at the studio and bambam was probably sulking because yugyeom was at the studio. Plus he didn’t just want to use his hyung for his brain and leave. He didn’t say any of this aloud of course, he just sat there. “Or you could read with me,” Jinyoung offered. Youngjae couldn’t help the face he pulled causing jinyoung to laugh._

_“I don’t like reading,” He announced unnecessarily. They’d already had this conversation before._

_“It’s just not your thing,”Jinyoung said casually as if it wasn’t a big deal. It shouldn’t have been a big deal but the way Jinyoung didn’t seem to care that this was yet another thing youngjae couldn’t or wouldn’t do, how this was another way that they were different and didn’t click caused youngjae to pause to evaluate how that made him feel. It made him happy, and then he really didn’t want to leave his hyung’s presence._

_“If I’m really quite though, can I just stay?” He found himself asking and was rewarded with an affirmative. He was rewarded once again when Jinyoung started reading out loud._

_~~~~~~_

The door opened and Youngjae jumped. Letting out a shaky ‘hyung’ when he saw it was jinyoung. Of course jinyoung would come in here it was his room after all. Jinyoung for his part took it in strides. The door was closed and before youngjae could process that he wasn’t supposed to be in here Jinyoung had scooped him up and was rubbing his back.

“It’s okay Jae, ,it’s going to be OK,” Jinyoung said in the softest voice youngjae had probably heard from anyone other than his mother and it’s been a long time since he heard it even from her.

“No it’s not,” He’s not sure why he said it nor why it came out halfway as a sob. He wasn’t supposed to be crying he was a big boy just like everyone else here his hyung had enough to deal with right now and he was going go back to his room and prepare for whatever tomorrow may bring. He tried to detangle himself from Jinyoung but he just wouldn’t let go.

“Talk to me,” Jinyoung ordered in lou of releasing him. Youngjae stilled. _Talk to him about what?_ “I'm listening Jae, Talk to me so I can fix it,”

“There’s nothing to fix, It’s the same as everyone else, I just can’t handle it like I’m supposed to.” and youngjae really wished jinyoung would stop using that voice and that his filter would start working because this was getting dangerous. It’s one thing to self depreciate in your head but a whole nother to say it aloud. Where someone else can hear you. “I’m just too weak to deal with it by myself like everyone else. I’m sorry." Youngjae didn’t know if he was apologizing for what he was doing, or what he said. Probably both.

“It’s just not your thing,” Jinyoung admonished. There it was again. He wasn’t the same, he didn’t fit, but was it ok? Jinyoung made it sound so easy to do something completely different than everyone else and youngjae found himself breaking down completely with those few simple words. Jinyoung never pushed him off never got annoyed. He just held him, rocked him, and spoke to him in that soothing voice telling him how amazing he was. That it was going to be okay. They were going to be ok.

_______

If there was one thing on Jinyoung’s todo list it was: Fixing his family. There was a Giant hole in the middle of all of them keeping them down, keeping them separate but they were going to be together again an happy if it was the last thing Jinyoung did. Not for GOT7 the music group, but foor GOT7 the family. His family. Yugyeom wasn’t going anywhere either if he had any sway in it but that was a plan for later. He would focus his attention on one member at a time. Youngjae had shown him that that was a necessary step. He’d start with the half awake boy in his arms and work his way as he saw fit. Mark and Jackson had each other for now and JB always had him so BamBam would probably be next.

“Hyung,” Youngjae slurred blinking away a few unshed tears. Jinyoung gently wiped his cheeks of moisture as he motion for him to continue. “Will you- Will you read to me?” Jinyoung smiled.

There was nothing he’d like to do more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments ALWAYS welcome (kudos too ;P)
> 
> next chapter (hopefully)
> 
> *GOT7 rebonding  
> *JYP makes an apperance  
> * discovery of an important item  
> atleast those are my bullet points for it anyway.


	12. Trust me I'm JYP

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Park Jinyoun Tries to fix everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive. I've been writing little sections when I can and as a result they don't fit together like I want them to. this is bad, like really bad. I like the sections separately but together they just don't mesh. I'll try writing more consecutively for the next chapter. I'll fix this eventually but for now I am so sorry that this is all you get after the wait.

JYP wants to see him. It’s entirely his choice, or so his doctor keeps saying. Saying no doesn’t feel like an option this time.

“When,”  he somehow manages to ask.

“Well he’s outside right now, his doctor (Dr. Choi of all names) informes him gently while gauging his reaction. Yugyeom was glad he wasn’t attached to a heart monitor, but rather a vitals machine that took and reported  all his vitals periodically. He could school his expression from months of practice but he couldn’t stop how his heart started up double time. “I have already informed him that he may not actually get to see you today if you don’t want to I can tell him to leave and not even tell him you had anything to do with it.”

That was the thing he liked about Dr. Choi, she genuinely seemed to be all about what he wanted and what was best for him. She wasn’t one of those doctors that treated you and never came back. She believes in treating the mental as well as the physical and visited him three times, just to talk and see how he was doing. She had seen him at his most vulnerable but didn’t treat him like the broken person he was. That being said she also seemed to be able to see through his mask when his own parents couldn’t.

Even so, even if the choice esd hid, PD-nim was already here. He knew how busy the man was and he didn’t have time to wait around for yugyeom to get his shit together. Since he was here himself it must have been something serious or important.

“We can also wait until your parents arrive. You have no obligation to see him without them.” she continued when he made no move to speak.That wasn’t necessarily true. With all the paperwork in contracts they’d signed when he became a trainee was enough to have JYPE own more of him than his parents did, not to mention the GOT7 contract. Yeah, PD-nim would legally talk to him no problem. Not to mention his parents might not even come today. They’d been so obviously out of their element and uncomfortable with him in the hospital yesterday and ran out as soon as visiting hours where over with no promise of return. 

“I’ll talk to him now, It’s probably important,” Dr. Choi sighed at that.

“You are what’s important right now yugyeom-ah,” Yugyeom had no reply to that. After a moment more of staring at him and probably hoping that the message would sink in after the two hundredth time she left. It was,’t that he didn’t think himself “important” in the grand scheme of things, he just knew he was no more or less important than anyone or anything else. He’d been drowning while the world turned on for too long to believe otherwise. No, everyone would be fine without him. He wasn’t a missing puzzle more of an afterthought that happened to fit. Like a word on a world search that wasn’t actually on the list. His parents had another son who wasn’t exhausting, listened to their advice, and already had so much going for him. His friends at school already had accepted the distance he placed between himself and the whole world really. His members, well he’d like to think they’d miss him. At the very least they’d prefer him to whatever newe person they would replace him with. Less work.

Or was it? Was that what PD-nim was here to talk about? Was he out of the company, out of GOT7? He was so much of a liability at this point he wasn’t surprised. He’d been spending months ready to quit and that was when his shame and weakness was private. Everyone knew now.

But the thing was--

He wanted to stay.

He’d never wanted anything more in his life. When his parents visited they talked like it was an inevitability that he would leave. He’s had so many choices taken away from him in the last- god only knows how long- but this wasn’t going to be one of them. He would fight tooth and nail, just like he did as a trainee, to keep his spot on this team. What if the company  _ and _ the members both decided this was best as well? The logical side of him, the pessimistic side, reasoned. It’d make sense to break it to him now, GOT7 already had a debut day set after all, they had a lot of choreo and voice recordings to change not to mention-

No. he shook his head as violently as he dared to dispel the negative train of thought. They wouldn’t be changing anything because yugyeom was going to debut with them if he had to get on his  hands and knees and beg.

IT was then, when Yugyeom resolved and filled with so much determination it almost scared him, that the door opened.PD-nim looked so solemn that it was obvious he was here to deliver bad news. Now just to change his mind.

“I’ll be right out there” Dr. Choi informed them. It sounded both as a reassurance to yugyeom and a warning for PD-nim. Yugyeom was briefly distracted by wondering how she did that. PD-nim simply nodded, eyes never leaving yugyeom. It was quiet then, eerily so. Yugyeom figured he probably shouldn’t be the first to speak. A rebuttal was always better than trying to defend himself first like a disobedient little kid. Speak first and prove yourself wrong. His  _ manager _ had taught him that. PD-nim seemed to be in a state of shock looking at him. He knows how awful he looks, he can feel how awful he looks whenever he gets up to pee (meds can only do so much). It’s a little unnerving to have someone he saw on more of a regular basis see him like this. Here he can’t hide and it’s blaringly apparent that he was before. When PD-nim finishes his inspection and their eyes meet yugyeom drops his head immediately, using his bangs to hide in.

“I’m sorry yugyeom-ah,” That one sentence breaks the silence and it feels harrowingly bitter to yugyeom’s ears. Pity. He’s right back in the middle of a pity party he didn’t throw for himself and wants out of asap.

“It’s fine,” He bites out much harsher than he intended or can help really. Not the tone he should take with someone twenty-six years his senior with whom he's trying to keep employment but if one more person tells him they’re ‘sorry’ he might not even respond that Sincerely. Sorry doesn’t reverse time, sorry doesn’t take away pain or memories, it doesn’t fix troubles or relationships. Sorry is purely for the person speaking to feel better about themselves and whatever they have or haven’t done in the situation at hand. They never actually care. A simple ‘thank you’, or ‘it’s fine’ always placates their need to do a good deed.

“It’s not fine,” PD-nim says with such conviction it gives yugyeom pause enough to look up in his disbelief. “But I am going to fix it.”

_______

BamBam  unlocked the door to a surprisingly dark dorm. Something stopped him from calling out though and he found himself simply walking through the hall in silence. His wandering unconsciously led him to the kitchen in the kitchen. He thought about turning the light on, as there were no windows so it was virtually pitch black in there but it seemed he couldn’t do anything but think about doing things. He felt no control over his body or his actions. There was no will or desire to do anything.

“You forgot to take your shoes off,” a voice suddenly pierced through the darkness and his heart leapt into his throat both at the suddenness of the voice and the owner. That was impossible he was suppose to be-

But there was no one there. He was must be officially going crazy or something, but was there a chance? His body and his mind finally seemed to be on the same page and he went searching for the voice he refused to give a name to right now. Not yet,hope at this point was cruel. 

But he couldn’t stop the sudden soaring of his heart at the silhouetted figure seated on the couch. Swallowing down the sudden lump in his throat to try and speak because he had things he had to say, he still just stood there. If that wasn’t stupidly ironic bambam didn’t know what was. BamBam may not be at a Jackson level chatterbox but everyone who kew them considered him a close second. He couldn't shut up at the best of times and more often than not his mouth got him into trouble someone else had to get him out of. Well, someone else of his innocent looks or what mark dubbed “baby face”.  Of all the times to go speechless he choose now. Now when he had so many questions so much he wanted to say and make sure he knew.

“You still have your shoes on,” he said. BamBam couldn’t tell if he was looking at him let alone if he could see his feet or not. “You know Jinyoungie hyung hates that.”

“That seems like a pretty pointless thing to focus on right now,” Bam finally found his voice.

“Then what should we focus on?”It was a straightforward question yet t still threw bambam for a loop. He wasn’t going to let that deter him though.

“What’s going on,” a statement.

“What’s going on?” A question.

“You know everything with you,”

“Wow. ‘what’s going on.’ ‘everything with you.’ If I didn’t know any better I’d say you need more lessons in Korean. If you want to talk about something I suggest you be upfront and specific about it.” His words were matter-of-fact and without any fluctuation which only made them sting more.

”That’s not fair, why should I expect straight answers when you didn’t give them before,”  Before when I could have helped you, before when I told you I was there for you, before when I trusted you to trust me, when I trusted your words.

“I wasn’t ready before,” He answered.

“And your ready now,” BamBam asked incredulously.

“You tell me,” he said shifting and if Bam had any doubt that he was looking at him before, it was erased. “It is after all your dream Bammie,”

_______

“Bammie,”

“Bam-ah,”

“BamBam!” The last call seemed to rouse him as every muscle in his face twitched before a sliver of his left eye was revealed. Upon seeing Jinyoung he then closed it and rolled over.

“Oh no you don’t,” Jinyoung proceeded to remove his comforter from where it was entangled with his legs exposing him to the cold morning air. He rather sluggish curled into the fetal position in the middle of his bed. The brat.Of course he chooses the day jinyoung is trying to be extra nice to be difficult. That was fine, they could do this the hard way.

“Yah! Get up,” He all but growled. It usually worked on the kids most mornings, he was not disappointed. BamBam looked disgruntled squinty eyed and , well quite frankly adorable, but most importantly he was up.

“Thank you Bammie,” Jinyoung cooed going back to his initial agenda. “I was thinking maybe we could make breakfast for everyone today, maybe talk a little.”

“You woke me up to cook,” BamBam squawked in outrage, his eyes saucers compared to two seconds ago. Jinyoung tried to keep his smile in place.  _ Think happy thought, think happy thoughts, don’t kill him. _ But something must have shown on his face, or bambam took his silence negatively and instantly started back tracking. “Can everyone help at least, I'm not very good and I don’t want you to have to cook all by yourself.”

“Don’t worry about that, right now I want to spend time with my babies, I woke youngjae up before you and he’s already in the kitchen now hurry up,” Jinyoung then hopped off the boys bed and out the room trusting that he would be out in a few minutes. And if he wasn’t, well jinyoung would have to go get him. . .

_______

_ Well this is awkward _ was all youngjae could think as he sat on the floor leaning on the lower cabinet eyes half mast next to an almost identical BamBam. Jinyoung was walking back and forth between the fridge and the stove, the fridge and the counter, the sink and the counter, the cabinet and the rice cooker and everytime he would pass them or have to step around them he wouldn’t say anything just simply smile down at them and continue whatever he was doing. 

_ And  _ he was humming. No other sound permeated the air and it was not a comfortable silence otherwise. Youngjae kinda felt bad, like maybe he should help him? Or atleast offer to? He definitely isn’t a morning person and everyone kinda knows that by now but Jinyoung woke them up to help sooo. . .

Yeah youngjae was pretty much lost for what he should be doing other than watching Jinyoung basically pace around their small kitchen attempting to create a calming atmosphere. Not that he was going to call him out on it either and risk snarky morning Jinyoung. Youngjae would simply sit on the floor and hope that this wasn’t the calm before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's bad I know, I'm sorry!!! 
> 
> also I never want to write PD-nim again!!! but I used it for a reason.


	13. Markson Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Is everyone decent?” he asked with his eyes still covered.
> 
> “No one was ever not decent,” Mark deadpanned. BamBam sighed dramatically lowering his hand. “I literally just scrubbed your naked back less than twelve hours ago,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Hey now new chapter in a reasonable time!!!! I might have over anticipated the number of chapters left. I think there's only 5 left to write max so it'll finish at about 18? IDK  
> I haven't really edited this but I just wanted to get it out. I know there is some grammar stuff that will have to be dealt with eventually. Try to read around it for now, sorry.   
> Hope you enjoy!

Youngjae should have known better. This wasn't the calm before the storm. They were already in the storm. Maybe they'd momentary moved to the center of the storm, the ‘eye’? Wasn't it supposed to be calmer there? Or something like that. Looking at the book in BamBam’s shaking hands it was too soon to call this another storm, it was just the same one as before returned with a vengeance. Youngjae didn't need to be able to read the practically vibrating text to know he wouldn't like whatever it was he saw. BamBam looked at him with barely concealed agony and youngjae is in no way equip for this. He needs to get reinforcements now. 

_______

Warmth. The first thing to register consciously was an all encompassing warmth that mark was content to lay in and pretend to be sleeping. It's not like the events of yesterday hadn’t registered yet, he went to bed with them, dreamed of them, and woke with them. But now, like so many times before he can pretend like it never happened. He can lay here, eyes closed imagining he's 16 again , it's a Saturday in sunny California and the only plans he has are ones he might make with his friends later. Breathe in and smell his mother cooking, probably lunch since he's not usually up before noon, if he strains he can just make out joey playing whatever video game he's currently trying to beat on PS3 and maybe Tammy’s here, it wouldn't be a surprise. 

Laying there, for a few minutes at least, Mark can pretend he’s home. Pretend things are simple again. Pretend he has time to decide what he wants to do. 

Admittedly it's hard to pretend when the source of the warmth keeps moving around. 

“Jackson, be still or move,” Mark grumbles at a barely audible level but jackson's face is squishing his into his neck so he probably heard him. It has the desired effect and Jackson freezes instantly but he's now stiff as a board and probably not breathing. The next movement mark feels is the nervous bobbing of jackson’s Adam's apple. On his forehead. “Ugh,” mark exclaims wrenching his head free and beginning to disassemble their limbs from one another. So much for a peaceful morning of disassociating from the situation at hand.

“No wait, I'm sorry,” Jackson mumbles in haste trying to hold on to various parts of Mark’s body with his own. “I’ll stop,”

“Stop what exactly,” mark asks. He knows what Jackson was doing to annoy him but it's not like Jackson could be privy to that information. 

“Um, everything?” It's spoken as a hesitant question, not an answer, but he sounds so desperate to be right mark can't really begrudge him that. Sighing Mark rolls over so his back is flush with jacksons front, if they're going to do this he at least doesn't want to be facing him for—whatever this is. They lay there in silence some more, Jackson remembers how to breathe, and it's just getting good again when he goes and ruins it. Again. “So, um you- I mean are you- did you sleep well,”

_ Are you ok? _

It's blaringly obvious the actual question he meant to ask and almost did. Mar’s not really in the mood to answer said question let alone analyze the answer to it. 

“Slept like a baby,” Which isn’t a lie entirely, new born babies wake throughout the night crying too. It’s not true to the expression but the sarcasm in his voice should be evident enough for the truth to seep through.

“Yeah I slept like shit too,” Jackson informs casually, Which mark knows is a lie. He knows when Jackson’s sleeping and he knows when he’s awake, he’s Santa Clause like that. “Had weird ass dreams,” Okay, that’s something mark can’t claim to know. Jackson’s brain has always been an enigma that no one could understand. Mark doesn't understand it nearly as much as people assume he does. He just accepts it , most of the time, that's what makes them best friends. 

“Do you wanna talk about it,” he asks to be courteous as well as distracting. The best way to distract someone is to give them an opportunity to talk about themselves people love to talk about themselves. 

“I wanna talk about you honestly,” unless that person is Jackson, the most selfless person ever to walk the earth other than Jesus Christ himself. It was times like this mark had to go into mute mode. You could only say ‘no’ so many times before your message is better received through silence. But before the silence could actually become silence the dorm outside their door came to life with a bang. Literally. 

“Yah!” Jaebum could be heard loud and clear through the flimsy sound barrier of the drywall immediately following the dropping of some heavy item. It was immediately followed by some murmuring that could have been anyone. 

“Think we should go see if everyone's alive,” the question was met with silence as was already the plan. “Mark?” Nope.

“Markie,” mute. 

“Please don't do this,”feigns ignorance.

“Maaaaark,” Jackson was in full on whiny tantrum mode which means it was time to play possum. It was probably a little sad how much enjoyment mark got out of annoying Jackson like this, but hey, it's the little things. 

“Jinyoung hyung made break- BamBam proclaimed while rudely throwing their bedroom door open and startling the rooms occupants. Once he actually got a look at them he promptly slammed the door back shut.

“BamBam get back in here! Mark shouted while Jackson whined ‘ _ oh you’ll talk to him!’ _ . After ten seconds the door slowly began to creep open as BamBam made a show of entering blindly hand over his eyes as the other one closed the door behind him. It was way too early for this shit.

“Is everyone decent?” he asked with his eyes still covered.

“No one was ever not decent,” Mark deadpanned. BamBam sighed dramatically lowering his hand. “I literally just scrubbed your naked back less than twelve hours ago,” 

“Try more like thirteen, it’s almost noon,” BamBam corrected him while plopping down at the foot of Jackson’s bed closes to where they were lying. Not very smart to being in grabbing distance of someone you’re annoying. “Besides that’s not what I meant by decent. I swear, these days you guys are worse than JJP,”

“Yah! How can a not couple be worse than an actual couple.” Mark grumbles for what feels like the hundredth time. I mean how many times does one have to say they aren’t interested before people get it. He wasn’t in denile! 

“What! You mean to tell me my parents aren’t together!” mark launched as far at him as Jackson's arms would allow and missed. He slumped back into Jackson’s chest momentarily defeated.

“In what world are we your parents? GOT7 is a family as a whole,” Jackson might as well have been shouting behind Mark, get these two in a room together and that was what was bound to happen.

“No we’re related but not like that,” BamBam adjusted himself on the bed looking way to excited to say whatever he was going to next. “See JB hyung and Jinyoung hyung hung are like married already and then they had youngjae which makes sense because jin-YOUNG-JAE-Bum so they named him youngjae. I’m obviously adopted and mark hyung you were like a single mom until jackson hyung came along and then-- WHAM? You get reunited with your long lost twin, that’s  Jinyoung hyung, and you guys are really six minutes apart but when they seperated you at birth they made it seem like six months so you’d have a harder time finding each other-”

“Wait so where we born in March or September,” Jackson interrupted, like it actually mattered.

“Well I hadn’t thought about it probably september,” 

“That would make JB nine months older than me!” 

“What about yugyeom,” Mark had to stop this foolishness before it gave him a headache. Besides, There was no way he just forgot to include yugyeom in his way to thought out backstory. His miniscule but very present flinch at yugyeom’s name was a dead give away. His smile, for his part only lowered a fraction.

“He can you wherever he wants to,” Bam answered seeming half as into his explanation as before. “He’s like the little orphan that has everyone wrapped around his little finger. I mean I did always want a little brother.”

“Is this some weird plea to get me to adopt Yugyeomie,” Mark asks playing along for the time being. BamBam looks down at his leopard print slipper covered feet at the mention of yugyeom’s name. Mark uses his lapse in attention to grab him. Bam gives a startled yelp as he’s yanked down and over until he collapses into mark’s bed wedged in between mark and jackson. He instantly struggles for freedom.

“Resistance is futile,” Jackson solemnly informs the tiny thai boy who probably weighs 115 lbs soaking wet. He only struggles for about a minute more before slumping down in defeat. “Better.” BamBam squeaks in offense as jackson cages him in with his right arm and leg. Mark can’t help but laugh at that.

“Now that we’re all comfortable,” mark starts only to be interrupted by mocking grumbling from bambam. “Do you want me to answer your question or not?” Silence.

“Well firstly I wouldn’t say I’ll ‘adopt’ yugyeom because I doubt Jinyoungie would let me take his baby,” 

“Secondly, that would make him your brother and that massive crush you have, that’d be incest, and that’s not okay,” Jackson butts in with a serious face only he can pull of after saying something as ridiculous as that. That was definitely not the second point mark was trying to make. All mark could do was stare at him while Bam’s cheeks tinted noticeably. At least he wasn’t actively trying to deny it, I mean everyone knew already. Would that even be incest? It’s not like they’re blood? Technically in this scenario they would both be adopted.

“Uh,” Mark tried to clear his thoughts. There was a very important dongsaeng reassuring statement in there somewhere.. “No, not my second point actually.” They both started laughing like hyenas. Screw dongsaeng reassurance, mark was just going to be quiet. Things were better when he was quiet.

_______

This was in no way fair youngjae should have been task with waking someone up. Maybe not Jaebum hyung but Mark hyung and Jackson hyung. But nooo, ‘ _ stay and set the table jae,’ ‘we can even eat in the living room today won’t that be nice,”  _ It sounded nice until your the one lugging all the plates and utensils and food out into the livingroom and oh would you look at that their coffee table was in no way big enough to fit everything. Youngjae didn’t mean to complain, and he would  _ never _ do so out loud, but why was he getting all the hard work by himself? Wasn’t this something they should do as a group? Was this punishment for not helping in the kitchen, all BamBam did was make ramen but at least he did something.  _ Careless. _ Youngjae should have offered to at least do the rice, even if he’d probably just mess it up. No Jinyoung hyung gave him a job, a chance to redeem himself and he was not going to waste it. The icing on the ‘woe-is-me’ cake was when he was making a trip into the living room with their completely full rice cooker. That thing had to have weighed a ton. and youngjae was not the working out type, so he tried to make up for the long journey with speed. Which worked out well for all of two seconds. As soon as he rounded the corner out of the kitchen doorway he half collided with something and he and the pot went sprawling.

separately.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight baby angst mixed with borderline crack humor to get you ready for some heavy stuff to come. . .
> 
> Comments (and kudos) always welcome  
> especially comments about what's going on in the story.


	14. Family Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mood had lifted again in it’s roller coaster that never seemed over and Wonbae knew he had to take it on one last dive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is here! it's longer than the others but I also didn't get everything I wanted into it :( next chapter will probably be short and be up sooner than later so I can get to what I really had planned as the next chapter.  
> you know how it is, you go to write one thing and then a whole other thing comes out. that was this chapter in a nutshell. also most of this chapter isn't in a specific characters POV more like everyone's POV. hope that's not too confusing.  
> enjoy!   
> not edited for mistakes. I should do that at some point. . . .

What the hell.

Leave for two minutes and everything goes to sht again. Jinyoung had woken JB up and gone to use the bathroom, that was all! He had come out to JB screaming about something. Jogging the distance back to the source of the sound he found youngjae and Jaebum collapsed on the floor, limbs tangled together, along with---

“My rice cooker!” hid heart nearly stopped. That thing was high quality which meant A) Expensive B)His and C) not in the budget to replace! Now he’s not proud that his first instinct was to check on his rice cooker (and to bludgeon everyone if any harm had befallen it)  but his eomma and appa gave that to him when he joined GOT7 as a gift. He may (although he will deny it if brought up later) have stepped over (i.e. on) JB and youngjae’s prone bodies to get to the cooker faster. By some miracle there wasn’t a scratch, or heaven forbid a crack, on it. Thanking god and kissing it for good measure he turned his accusatory  glare onto the two boys to figure out what they did to make his precious rice cooker ,and themselves, end up on the floor. The little heathens were looking at him like he was the bad guy! JB was even holding youngjae in protection like he wasn’t just yelling at him two seconds ago.

“Couch now,” jinyoung ordered in an even tone as he could manage. The two quickly scrambled to comply. Everyone wanted to ruin the good thing he was trying to do here like they didn't care! And ok he realized he was being dramatic, so he had a flair for the dramatics! This situation still sucked. He followed the two into the living room depositing the rice cooker in the spot youngjae had made for it to go. Youngjae had done an excellent job in setting up everything from the kitchen into the  living room and he’d done it in almost no time. Yes Jinyoung would have made a better presentation of it but once the boys did start eating it would’ve gotten destroyed anyway.

“I’m sorry hyung I dropped it the rice cooker,” Youngjae confessed once seated on the couch. Jinyoung sighed.

“It’s fine youngjae,” He wasn’t even mad anymore, especially considering the rice cooker was ok.

“I Just wasn’t watching were I was going and ran into JaeBum hyung,” youngjae continued oblivious to the ready acceptance to his apology. “ it was just so heavy I was  trying to be quick so I didn’t-- drop it.”

“Youngjae,” Jinyoung called waiting until the boy looked him directly in the eye. “It’s ok, I should have helped you with some of the heavy stuff. The rice cooker is fine and you didn’t do it on purpose. Just be careful next time or ask for help ok?” Youngjae didn’t respond verbally but Jinyoung accepted the  nod he gave. It looked like he was fighting tears and it was too early for tears, they hadn’t even started  _ the talk _ yet. 

And were the hell was bambam? They couldn’t start this pow wow without all the members present and  it was awful quiet in the markson room.  _ They better not have gone back to sleep _ , he thought as he stalked to their door before opening it sans knocking.

Sure enough there lay Mark and Jackson sandwiching in bambam all in Mark’s bed. He just stood there glaring as the turned to look at him with varying degrees of startled and guilty faces. He said nothing.

“I told them it was time to eat but the trapped me in here and won’t let go!” BamBam protested on his own behalf, how much of that was true or not Jinyoung really didn’t care.

“Sixty-seconds,” He simply stated before leaving, door open, to wait for them in the living room.

_______

As he three hastily evacuated the Markson room BamBam couldn’t help but wonder wat happened to nice eomma Jinyoung.

“What?! We had nice Jinyoung this morning,” Jackson exclaimed. Wait he’d asked that outloud?

“I’m always nice,” Jinyoung grumbled like the grumpy cat he was normally.

“He was even humming in the kitchen,” Youngjae added helpfully ignoring their  resident eomma.

“Humming? Jinyoung? What happened to ruin that,” Mark couldn’t hide his surprise. Sure Jinyoungie sang randomly but that was more like an absently triggered response they all did, but humming? They weren't carefree enough to hum.

“Youngjae dropped his rice cooker,” JB quickly placed the blame.

“Hey--” Youngjae tried to defend himself only to break off at Jinyoung’s loud whistle.

“Are you guys done talking about me now,” he was pouting now instead of glaring which could have been a good sign. Who know though, Jinyoung was good at holding grudges. No one responded right away to that.  Jinyoung sighed. Again. “Let's just eat,”

The only noise after that was the clattering of plates, utensils, and shifting of bodies which actually wasn't that unusual. Despite not really being able to be quite any other time, they weren't a very talkative group when they ate. It was probably the only way to get them to be quiet for any given amount of time was to put food in front of them. It probably had something to do with how precious a commodity food was nowadays with their borderline, some more than others, pre debut diets. Some more so than others but no one could quite remember the last time they saw yugyeom eat more than once a day if that. They may have been sitting in silence filling their stomachs but all their minds were in the same place then.

_ What were they going to do? _

Some peoples thoughts were more pessimistic than others.

_ We’re going to have to be trainees again _

_ They’re going to push back our debut date _

_ Yugyeom’s going to leave _

_ We might not be in the same group again _

_ I’m going  to have to go home _

As the tension of the silence built until it was mere seconds from snapping their manager, Wonbae shuffled out of his room startling all of them. Someone gave a meep f surprise but he steadfastly ignored all of them and continued his way to the front door. He looked half asleep and he was wearing his pajamas so he didn’t look like he should be going anywhere. 

His intentions were made clear when he shuffled back into the room a few seconds later with manager Jaehyun following behind him. Jaehyun hyung startled when he saw the six pair of eyes trained on him.

“Did you gather them all already,” He asked. Wonbae hyung blinked as he focused on his surroundings. The second he registered their presence he seemed to wake up.

“No, I just realized they were there,” He ran a weary hand down his ever growing facial hair. It’d been awhile since he had the time or energy to shave. “Come on, we can talk in the room I guess.”

“Actually I don’t have any new or ‘confidential’ information and Jinyoung-ssi wanted me to speak with them,” Jaehyun hyung stated with a half caring shrug. That bit of information caught the interest of all the Got7 members. JYP wanted them to know something? But he wasn’t here, and they hadn’t said anything about going to the company building so it couldn’t be that bad, right? As the two managers came over space was immediately made for them on the couch. Forgotten and mostly empty plates were stacked haphazardly on the little space left on the coffee table.

“If you guys are eating you can continue” Wonbae hyung urged, remembering it had to have been close to if not already 24 hours since they last ate.

“We had finished up anyway,” JB reassured. Youngjae frowned at that, he wasn’t done. Of course this was his own fault for thinking to much and picking  at the food he took and he wasn’t going to say anything. He certainly wasn’t going to continue eating if no one else was. He placed his plate at the top of the pile as discretely as he could.

Mark watched youngjae’s struggle and ultimate defeat. As soon as this talk was over he was going to have a talk with the younger, and possibly a snack.

“How are you guys holding up,” Wonbae hyung asked them. They looked around at each other to see who would anser first if any of them. Wonbae sighed. “That wasn’t a group question nor a rhetorical one.if you don’t feel comfortable we can talk individually but I’m asking each of you. That applies to this whole conversation because I have to ask you somethings that might be difficult to answer.” he was setting a very serious tone but the things they had to figure out in order to move forward were of that nature.

They all answered in turn, semi truths that were generally the same; they were upset, confused, shaken up, but ultimately they were fine. The managers seemed pacified by their answers, Jaehyun more so than wonbae, but they looked hesitant to proceed further. Wonbae took the lead again.

“Now I need you to answer my next question completely honestly. And I don’t care what the answer is, how trivial it may seem to you, whether you're embarrassed or ashamed or anything. I’m not asking to judge you or ridicule, I need to know.” He paused then, whether for emphasis or just reluctant hesitance, they couldn’t tell, but It worked either way. “Did Minhyuk ever harm any of you.”

  
  


Oh.

  
  


_ Oh. _

  
  


It was dead silent and still for a moment as they processed the request; it wasn’t something they had given any thought too. Then they were looking at one another accusingly. Was some else hiding something like that? JB, as the leader, was alone with the managers all the time. Had he been stoically taking a punishment he didn’t deserve? Jinyoung seemed to break bones quite easily and had his wrist in a splint that one time seemingly inexplicably. Had minhyuk been around for that? Wait-was he even their manager at that time?

“Okay we can do this separately if we have to,” Manager jaehyun spoke up when the boys continued to do nothing but stare, squint ( borderline glare) at each other.

“No, I don’t think that’s necessary ,” Jinyoung hesitantly stated. This was part of what he wanted to  say earlier in their impromptu ‘family meeting’. The appearance of their remaining managers simply threw him off  a bit. “At Least I don’t believe that we should be actively keeping secrets from each other at this point. I didn’t have any experiences with Minhyuk-ssi like that, but if I did I would tell you all. It may seem like I’m just saying this but I would, I really would.” It was easy to say, trust me with your secrets, I have none, but Jinyoung hoped they could hear the sincerity in his voice.

“Minhyuk hyu-ssi, he uh, he pushed me into the van once,”BamBam suddenly burst out drawing all eyes. “I mean he pushed me and I fell on the van I guess, but he did push me kinda hard, so.” he seemed to be going between defending Minhyuk and defending himself.

“Shit,” Mark breathed out. “I saw that,” And he had. He hadn’t said or done anything or even thought about it since. BamBam was being a little annoying and Minhyuk was obviously not in a good mood for whatever reason. At the time mark had seen Minhyuk push Bam towards the van in exasperation and the clumsy kid fall into the side of the van and wisely kept quiet after that. He didn’t question it in the slightest. He should have, and what was his excuse? Minhyuk was their manager. Bam was being annoying and had deserved it? The last thought made him nauseous and he wasn’t sure if it was just because of the thought or the truth in the thought. 

“He definitely shouldn’t be pushing you at all, let alone in a situation where you could hurt yourself.” Manager JAehyun said typing something on his phone. Wonbae looked at him like he had three heads. There was momentary silence.

“Um,” youngjae mumbled out pausing when all of the attention was on him. Not something he liked in this situation. “He, um hit me, like, in the back of my head a couple of times.” by the time he finished his neck and ears were tinged pink. He was obviously uncomfortable with the attention, or the subject matter, but they needed more information than that.

“How many times jae-ah,” Wonbae hyung asked as softly as he could with his internal freak out. Jaehyun was tensely gripping his phone as he typed. Taking record of everything.

“Just three times,”  youngjae answered slightly cringing at JB’s scoff and jackson’s whisper of ‘ _ only’ _ “twice while he sat in on vocal lessons that I cause I messed up i think.” the first time he sat in was actually a lesson Jaehyun was suppose to be at but ended up having a family emergency and minhyuk filled in instead. Then he showed up the next time too. The other time-

“And the other time,” Jaehyun asked now,slightly impatiently. Wonbae put a hand on his knee to silence him. The other time. Youngjae made eye contact with BamBam unsure what to do or say. He hadn’t brought it up but youngjae didn’t want to lie about it. Jinyoungie hyung would be disappointed not to mention the managers. “Was bam there the other time.” Youngjae nodded mutely. Bama\Bam broke eye contact sharply to look away. He couldn’t lie, he hoped Bam would forgive him.

“We snuck out to go to the convenience store, we weren't gone long but Minhyuk caught us,” He could stop there, leave it alone. “He hit Bam too,” or not. Now all eyes were splitting between him and BamBam looks of confusion and pity, not that Bam saw them with his eyes firmly planted on the ground.

“Bam. . .” Mark spoke first, words dripping with sympathy. 

“What,” Bam said not looking up.

“Why didn’t you say anything,” Jackson questioned

“Youngjae just did,”

“Yah, that’s youngjae hyung to you,” JB decided to speak up after his long period of silence.

“Doesn’t matter,”

  
“It does matter, he’s older than you-”

“I don’t care! That’s not what I’m talking about he already told so it doesn’t matter!” BamBam practically shouted, glaring at the floor. That one statement was enough to start a fight that wasn’t entirely in korean.

“How dare you!”

“Chill you both of you,”

“I thought we promised to be honest with each other,”

“I’m sorry bam but I couldn’t lie,

“Don't feel bad jae, bambam needs to get his priorities straight,”

“Jaebum I swear to god-”

“It doesn’t matter-”

“We said we’d talk not shout like children-”

“So we throw honorifics out the window now-”

As they went back and forth and round and round the managers just started in shock at how quickly the situation dissolved.

“BE QUIET!” Jaehyun shouted so loud all the neighbors probably heard. In the shocked silence that followed all you could hear was his huffing of breathe. “In all this pointless ARGUING your missing the bigger picture. Three of your members have all had altercations with minhyuk. Physical altercations. And you want to argue about who said what and honorifics right now? Does anyone else have a situation to tell.” complete and utterly rebuked silence. Twenty seconds went by.

“Ok,” Jaehyun said taking a calming breathe and grabbing his phone again. “Yugyeom, Youngjae, and BamBam” he said mostly to himself. But it was like a lightbulb went off in the room.

Yugyeom, youngjae, and BamBam.

He’d been abusing the maknaes. The kids of the group. They were arguably all still kids but those three were literally still school age. Two of them were in high school still for god sakes. It added a whole nother level of  _ oh my god, _ to the scenario. Would it have escalated until they were all black and blue?   Would they all have kept quiet? Surely not bambam at least would have complained? Except he didn’t, he almost didn’t tell them right now. Mark had been there for one of the altercations and done nothing so why would he. Youngjae had dealt with Minhyuk’s over eager hands on three separate occasions and said nothing.They were to trusting, too insecure, to vulnerable. And all the adults in their everyday life had screwed up. This was a bigger problem than they previously thought.  

“Ok let’s backup,” Manager wonbae said at a much quieter volume than previously was being used. “And let’s give non verbal responses for now, I’ll ask yes or no questions ok.” he paused and waited for a confirming nod.

“When you were a trainiee, did other random trainee’s hit you,” the answer, was not a resounding no. two members nodded. 

“Okay, I’ll take that but should they any of them have hit you,” six head shakes no.

“Does the choreographer-nim hit you,” no.

“Have I ever hit you,” no.

“Has jaehyun hyung ever hit you,”no

“Has PD-nim ever hit he,” fierce no.  He had to smile at that. “And none of them are allowed to. Nor any stylist, coordinators, photographers, cameramen, or any other person who maybe in or incharge of any aspect of your life as an idol. Being your manager definitely does not give us or anyone that may come the right to hurt you in a disciplinary manner or not. It’s actually one of the things in our contracts. So I want you to promise me that you won’t let them. I’m not saying fight back, but if anyone in this industry is abusing their power and abusing you or treating you in anyway unprofessionally, let me know ok?” nods. He can’t help but roll his eyes exasperatedly “I’d like a verbal answer now please,”

“Yes!” The mood had lifted again in it’s roller coaster that never seemed over and Wonbae knew he had to take it on one last dive.

“I have one last question that is even more serious than the other two, but it’s the last one I promise,” once he had the undivided attention of all six members he continued. “Would you be willing to keep yugyeom in GOT7.” The looks of outrage and indignation made him realize he should elaborate.

“Hear me out before you start yelling. If you keep Yugyeom with you, your debut date is getting pulled.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos welcome  
> next chapter not the angst fest I was planning but soon. . .


	15. Everything inbetween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “This is GOT7, we are made with 7. It’s 7 or never. And yugyeom, is one of those seven. So you guys speak up if I’m wrong but I don't want to do this without him.” He turned to his members and waited for them to back him up. Hopefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is super long compared to the others and there are like ten different POV changes (even the manager's at one point) also I finished this on my phone while out with friends so I'm definitely going to have to give it a computers once over sometime tomorrow.  
> Hope you enjoy this longer on time chapter!
> 
> edit: spacial edits made, sorry for those that read it as the hot mess it was before!

What?

Was this some sick twisted test of loyalty?

Or worse their plan to get them to kick yugyeom out but have them do it so they didn’t have to?

“No,” Jackson spoke up incredulously. “Absolutely not, we won’t do that.”

“Jackson don’t speak for everyone so lightly,” Wonbae hyung chastised him. He wasn’t speaking lightly, he knew his team. They were closer than this, stronger than this. They’d been through so much already before they even debuted. All of his best, and some of his worst, memories as a trainee was made with these boys. You can’t buy or fake closeness like that. Yugyeom was part of that closeness. It was a big part of what made them click enough to become a project group together. To make yugyeom, the most painfully awkward (endearingly so but still) no other real friends his age at the company but bambam, member of their team start over would be unacceptable. Who was going to watch his back. He would inevitably be a hyung in whatever group debut next, in whatever year that was, and he wasn’t good at that. ‘Hyunging’ as jackson often referred to it in his mind (since it was such a preposterous thing to say out loud) was not one of yugyeom’s strong suits. Maybe one day but not today. This was a recipe for disaster in which yugyeom more likely than not would give up on his dream.

But Jackson couldn’t express all of this right now, his Korean wasn’t good enough and he didn’t want them to be focusing on his mistakes, or taking time to correct him, this was to serious for that.

“This is GOT7, we are made with 7. It’s 7 or never. And yugyeom, is one of those seven. So you guys speak up if I’m wrong but I don't want to do this without him.” He turned to his members and waited for them to back him up. Hopefully.  
_______  
Unbelievable.

This situation was ridiculous to begin with. Funnily enough there is only one thing going through BamBam’s head and it’s not this situation.

JB,Jinyoung, Yugyeom, Jackson, Mark, BamBam, Youngjae.

The order that GOT7 was picked. Youngjae had been added a week after BamBam. JB and Jinyoung had been obvious. They had an abundance of fans already. Everyone loved Jaebum and Jinyoung, just not JJ Project’s JB and Jr. The company’s thought was they’d do better spearheading a group, duet’s just weren’t as successful as groups, their individual popularity certainly couldn't hurt the group either. Yugyeom was chosen because he was an amazing dancer, hardworking, and could and would pick up anything with a can do attitude. The maknae being chosen before half of the other members in a group was a first in JYP history. Especially in a group that was shooting for 6-9 members (thank god they never ended up with 9 members because, whoa). BamBam wasn’t exactly sure why Jackson was picked before mark or if that was even what really happened (That’s just what jackson said after their meeting and mark hadn’t corrected him) but the thought process was clear there, They’d all been taking acrobatics and Martial Arts and Jackson and mark were by far the best at it and actively utilizing that training. Then they’d stopped looking or at least the rapid closed door meeting stopped and a whole month went by. BamBam went into survival mode because it seemed that they might be debuting a five member boy group which meant evaluations of all the boy trainees his age. Cuts were going to be harder and more, well, cutthroat. He doesn’t remember being overly worried but a little sad though. Mark was like his best friend and together with Jackson they’d done so much together all the time and him and yugyeom somehow managed to do the last monthly eval with each other without killing each other and It had been fun. He regretted not being able to see where that would’ve went.

Then the craziest thing happened. He got a closed door meeting. Yugyeom was the only one there other than JYP PD-nim and a few other executives BamBam didn’t see enough to remember their names. Yugyeom was studiously staring at the floor which was worrying, but PD-nim was smiling and then BamBam can’t believe what he’s hearing.

Essential Yugyeom went to bat for him saying whatever bullshit about him being a valuable member of the project group and they actually listened. BamBam’s looking at yugyeom in awe now and his ears are bright pink and it’s so cute and chivalrous. They both managed to leave the meeting without saying a word.

“I just didn’t want to not have a friend,” yugyeom mumbled into the quiet hallway and then BamBam was hugging him and he might have kissed his cheek. “Ah! Hajima! I take it back!” Yugyeom was bright red all down his neck and BamBam couldn’t stop laughing.  
BamBam can’t leave his friend behind but he won’t speak up now, the vote could still sway the other direction. Jackson’s the only one whose voted yet. If they don’t keep him he won’t stay either. He wouldn’t be here without him.  
_______  
Confident.

Jackson sounded so sure of himself, so sure of them and their needs and Jinyoung didn’t resent him for it, not really. Jinyoung wasn’t that petty but he also wasn’t that confident.

_Your debut date is gettting pulled._

Sounds a lot like

_The project didn’t do well enough for a comeback._

He focused on remembering to breathe and that voice that sounded a lot like his eomma saying _this isn’t the_ _end of the world_ _nyoungie~_

But a response is necessary at some point and he has no idea what he wants to say, what he should say. Take the high road or the spineless road, the more realistic road.

This had everything to do with yugyeom while having absolutely nothing to do with him. The irony isn’t lost on Jinyoung, he’s making his problems out to be catastrophic while his friend, his dongsaeng lay in a hospital bed and has already dealt with more than he could ever imagine at that age.

But he can’t do it again. The hurt he felt, the utter worthlessness accompanied with not making it, not being good enough. It’s still to fresh for him. He feels like, to lose it all again, he might break. He’s put so much into changing, being a better him. Maybe if he was more serious the first time, didn’t treat this like a game. He should have had less fun, worked more, practiced more, he was lacking everything and this was his chance to make it up to himself, the company, and most of all jaebum. Jaebum hadn’t deserved his failure and the anxiety of screwing it up for him made him feel like puking sometimes but the prospect of not being able to try at all was so much worse.

Then there was yugyeom. The kid didn’t deserve any of this to be happening in the first place. The kid could be as hyper as a puppy (and twice as cute) on a good day and even when he wasn’t he gave 100% in dancing, singing, and every and anything you asked of him. He didn’t deserve to lose his chance to try because he would be amazing the first time around.

“Yugyeom stays is my vote,” Jinyoung was amazed at his ability to sound even remotely confident. “Besides, a little more practice can’t hurt,”  
_______

Seven.

It was times like this their odd number was best for. Right now, if the six of them have a split vote then what? The managers decide? The company? If that were the case half of them, no matter the outcome would be thinking, this isn't fair. Except Mark knew his members, even if he didn't know much else. It wouldn't come to that.

Jackson boisterously stated his piece immediately, which was expected, as was his answer. Jackson wasn't a leave a man behind type.

Jinyoung's answer was surprisingly the second given. Mark knows how hard that had to be, Jinyoung had told him how much JJP coming to an abrupt end had hurt. Mark can remember a time when Jinyoung would have easily voted the other way, in order to save himself. He'd grown a lot since then and so mark wasn't surprised at his answer either.

Youngjae wasn't going to vote yugyeom off the island, so to speak, because that was mean and youngjae didn't have a mean bone in his body. However if they voted majority against keeping him he wouldn't say anything about it, youngjae was like that too.

There was no way in hell BamBam was going to do this without yugyeom. Why he hadn't said anything was a bit odd but his face spoke volumes even if he didn't mean to. Honestly if bambam would vote then youngjae would and they'd be done with this whole mess in the first place.

JB wasn't going to vote at all if he could get away with it. It wasn't so much that he couldn't or wouldn't make the tough decisions more so he wanted to see it play out. Kinda like mark. JB was the only wild card for mark. He wasn't a bad guy but he wasn't like youngjae, if they'd all agreed this was a six man show now he'd lead it with no hesitation and minimal to no guilt. He didn't dwell on things like that. His actually answer, mark was unsure of, but he wouldn't give one so it didn't really matter.

Mark wouldn't be giving one either he'd sit and see how much of his predictions came true. How long it took BamBam to speak up.  
_______

Silence.

After Jinyoung’s somewhat hesitant answer it was quiet for a while. Youngjae took a peak at the other members, to see why no one was speaking up. Mark and JB seemed to be in thought which was understandable, and bambam seemed to be anger? Was he angry about leaving yugyeom or the prospect of keeping him? BamBam wasn't a mean person so of course it was losing him! Yugyeom was- _is_ -his best friend. Why wasn't he speaking up. Why weren't the managers making them like before.

_Why do you need someone to prompt you to speak? You can't think for yourself._

There was that negativity again. But it wasn't wrong. He knew what he wanted to say, and it seemed like it might be a majority vote but it wasn't yet. Right now it was two for: four undecided.

Yugyeom would have voted by now and he would have made the right decision. yugyeom hadn't left him behind even when he could have or should have. Yugyeom was the one who stayed with youngjae during dance practice, after dance practice, and on the few extra dance practices youngjae managed to drag himself to the studio to do. Yugyeom would always already be there. Yugyeom was the only memeber we who hadn't brought up youngjae's lack of training (even if the others were joking it still stung a bit) the only one who didn't seem to think less of him for being new and inexperienced.

Yet he couldn't bring himself to make one lousy vote for his friend. Yugyeom was so much more deserving in every way to be on this team (everyone knows that so it's not really self deprecating if it's true). Mark had started tracing lines in the laminate. BamBam was side glaring at everyone still. JB was seemingly zoned out but youngjae knew he was listening. Someone needs to speak up. 

Jebal.

"Yugyeom will be ready to debut, and I think when he is we should be there too," the words tumble out of his mouth without his consent. His heart was hammering at the prospect of someone not agreeing with him and maybe he said the wrong thing. It might not have made sense but he spoke up. He said what he felt and somehow he felt better about it.  
_______

  
chic

I am not cold hearted.

I am not uncaring.

There was a misconception somewhere about him being to serious too but that one he can live with. Being the leader of a "group" can do that to you and his first group had failed.

He's honestly surprised they'd given him another one.

_Your focused._

_Driven._

_Serious._

Cold.

Being in charge of the well being of six other individuals, even just making sure they did what they were supposed to at practices and things, was nerve wrenchingly exhausting. Jinyoungie had always been easy. He did what he means suppose to, went to sleep when he should, stayed on top of his school work, and performed well. JB knows how much he kills himself thinking JJP's failure was his fault when it was never him. It's on the leader.

This time it's not entirely his fault as he watches it hang in the balance but he is going to take it in strides, as many strides as he can.

If they keep-- the original plans for GOT7 (thinking keep yugyeom sounds way to impersonal and wrong) then it's practicing a little (god please let it be a little) longer as well as some much needed team bonding. 2014 will have to be their year. Whats a few more months?  
This is the plan that's most likely

If by some curveball yugyeom leaves the line up. They will adjust. He will do his job as leader of (GOT6? GOT7? They might have to come up with a new name) his group and worry about the wellbeing of five other people.

But.

But, the other trainees where mean to yugyeom.

He knows how much he sounds like a dad whose kid is being picked on in kindergarten or something but it's true. He remembers that phone call with his maknae crying on the other line because that dick-that-shall-not-be-named was picking on him. JB had told him to ignore it and that he probably didn't mean it. He didn't tell him that he handled it as soon as he got back. The other trainees wouldn't take yugyeom out with them if they could avoid it, at least the ones in their age group, and it was obviously because they were jealous of his talent. Obvious to anyone but yugyeom. Who would he do the monthly evaluation with. Everyone was afraid he'd outshine them. He could hang out with the younger trainees more but that would get him talked about and yugyeom was shy anyway. Would he still call him if someone was mean to him. Would he still tell him his problems. It was a struggle to get him to do that now. Yugyeom used to be so open with him. Then that bastard came along. That was his first clue and he missed it. He was right there and he missed it. What would he miss when he was promoting. Would yugyeom call him crying again? Would he call at all? Would he trust them then?

BamBam was his friend, youngjae even, and they were his hyungs.

But if he had to leave him behind he would Do his job and do it to the best of his ability. He probably would always be caring for that sixth individual.

He's not cold hearted.

His heart wouldn't be in it at all.

What did that make him then? Heartless?

Yeah, heartless.  
_______  
The vote was half and half it seemed. Or at least anyone who hadn’t spoke up at this point was taking their sweet time. Wonbae really didn't want to have to take this to the company to make the decision and take that away from the boys. That wouldn’t end well at all.

“Is this a majority rules kind of thing,” Mark asks. Wonbae looks up at him but he’s still looking at the laminate. Next order of service when all of this is straightened out is to give these kids some confidence. Or at least teach them to not stare at the ground all the time like kicked puppies or something. “Or is it like, if one person decides the opposite the company decides then.”

“It’s a majority thing, but if you feel strongly about something that’s not what’s decided then you can always bring it up to us,” he answered as delicately as he could. He never exactly knew what mark was thinking, he was to quiet all the time. He could have been asking for himself or for simple clarification. He didn’t really peg mark as the type to beat around the bush though so it was probably clarification purposes.

“Ok.” Mark simply said. No actual answer was given or further explanation. The whole room seemed to blink a moment. Ok then.

“Well we might as well make it a majority then ‘cause I want yugyeom to stay,” BamBam stated crossing his arms as if daring someone to challenge him. He was probably pissed at them all for bringing this up in the first place. Honestly wonbae had figured he'd have been the first one to speak up, him or jackson. He was also expecting them to be mad but BamBam seemed to be the only one who was, he was selfishly relieved.

“Alright, that’s decided then. We’ll let the board know and get back to you with their answer,” Jaehyung said pocketing his phone and looking at them all for the first time. Maybe he was using it as a shield to distance himself from the guilt. Wonbae doubted it could’ve worked that well, they’d screwed up in this whole situation. “In the meantime, we will be in and out quite a bit as we work with the company moving forward, we ask that you stay here until we give you the all clear to go out. Call one of us, if it becomes an emergency.”

“What’s are we going to do about yugyeom, “JB spoke up for the first time since the argument. “I mean he doesn’t even want to see us right now,” Which was true but JYP would handle it. He had brought these boys together, surely he could reason with a sixteen year old. God _sixteen years old_. Hadn’t even had his birthday yet.

“PD-nim is talking to him today and he’ll be talking to you all sometime soon. I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out. He just needs time right now which we will give him.” Wonbae reassured.

“Alright, Wonbae hyung and I are going to go to the store for you all so you don’t have to worry about for and we will take one representative from the group with us, only one!” He emphasized as they all looked ready to volunteer. “Let’s go get ready, have your decision by the time we get back, and no fighting!” he added as he ushered a pajama clothed Wonbae into the manager bedroom.  
_______  
The boys used the time alone to come up with a plan. It was really Jinyoung’s plan he had planned to get them all involved with that morning. Jackson was chosen to go on the shopping spree. The prospect of Jackson being locked up for an unknown amount of days without release was a headache and they all figured it best to just let him out now. The managers came back out soon after they had decided on that and along with jackson soon were out the door.  
Jinyoung then mentioned his idea of giving yugyeom a get well gift, to let him know they were thinking of him. If he didn’t want to see them right now they shouldn't force him. They could however send him Something. Even if he didn’t look at them, he would know they were thinking about him.

Mark came up with the ‘gift basket’ idea. Give him different things like food or snacks he liked, a card or cards, maybe something he might want from his room that he didn’t have like a book or something, maybe some get well flowers or a stuffed animal. Then they would put all that stuff in a basket or something to carry it all. It seemed like a good idea.

So they text Jackson the plan along with a snack request, Jinyoung and Mark were in charge of food (Jinyoung in actually cooking and Mark just text Jackson for the snacks but whatever), JB and youngjae where in charge of the card (they were going to write some song lyrics or something), and BamBam got the hardest job. Since he was so close with yugyeom, and they shared a room they figured it would be best if they had him get things from yugyeom's side of their room he may find useful during his hospital stay. He was deemed most likely to even know what that would be anyway.  
_______  
Immediately after they departed to get started on their individual projects before Jackson and the managers got back Mark cornered youngjae. Well cornered was a strong word, he merely brought him to the side (the kitchen) under the guys of carrying the dishes back. Jinyoung stayed back to talk to JB about something which was all the better. This was going to be extremely awkward anyway.

Upon entering the kitchen and placing the dishes in his hands down mark turned to youngjae. He was already walking out the door! _It's now or never I guess_. “Jae wait. You hungry?” Youngjae turned around and looked at him in confusion. Smooth Mark smooth.

“Um, no?” He answered unsure. Now if he was unsure about his answer because he was lying or if Mark just surprised him with the randomness he couldn't tell. _Because that was a creepy as way to ask._

“Are you sure, cause earlier you looked conflicted about being finished with your breakfast,” that's right mark call him out. Act like you planned this conversation. Youngjae for his part looked like a deer caught in headlights. Face instantly morphed from confusion to horror. _Wait no don't scare him! Backtrack, backtrack_. “It's okay if you weren't no one would blame you for not scarfing down your food. I don't want you to feel unable to tell us about stuff like that. The whole honesty thing we're trying it applies to speaking up as well. Does that make sense?” After seven seconds youngjae gave a small nod. ok good talk.

“Hyung,” youngjae mumbled. God please don't let him want to have a heart to heart right now. Or some deep dark secret that he wants to confide in Mark. The type he'll have to take to the grave or something. He raised an eyebrow in recognition. Act unphased until you are phased. “I'm hungry” mark couldn't help laughing at that.

This he could fix.  
_______  
After getting fed the leftovers from breakfast and tast testing the treats Jinyoung was making in the the kitchen along with Mark youngjae was a little more than full, but he wasn't complaining. Wandering out of the kitchen he decided to go see what BamBam was up to, spread the good hyungs spirit a little, maybe avoid any work in the process. At least for now. Youngjae had the sense to knock. He did. But no one answered so he let himself in. Maybe Bam was in the bathroom.

He was not prepared for what met him on the other side of the door.  
_______  
“I'm home!” Jackson called struggling with all the bags draped up his arm like a fashion statement gone wrong. He probably should have asked him managers to help or called one of the members but he was a man and could handle it. At least until help came.

No one came to help him, which wasn’t entirely odd, they could be really lazy sometimes, but he didn’t even have an audience. He only wasted about a minute waiting in the hall for someone to come, but eventually the weight out weighed the desire for help and if he left it there they'd make him go get it later anyway. As he managed to put all of the groceries in the empty kitchen (though Jinyoung was going to cook) he started to look for them. It didn’t take long to find them in their small dorm. They were in the living room still and if they hadn’t been sitting indifferent spots than when he left he would have accused them of not moving at all. No one acknowledged him when he walked in and they all looked, shocked. They looked confused and hurt and omg they were crying, like all of them, they looked like-

“Why do you guys look like somebody died,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally caught up to where I wanted to be like a chapter a go! Finally going to get to the last of the big angst and that might take longer to write cause I've thought about it but not write it. I feel like that might put me in a bad place. We shall see
> 
> Comments not expected but always appreciated.


	16. The Journal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry, I’m always sorry but I don’t think I’m sorry enough to go on. There’s so many things I wanted to do  
> But living is not one of them right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most people guessed right! it is in fact the Journal chapter. It's angst but It's not as bad as I first intended to make it because mentally and emotionally after the week I had before last week I just couldn't do it. I'm also a little late because of that week. I apologize.  
> Good news the hurt train is kinda at a halt now! on to Comfort station!
> 
> Side note about last chapter!!!! if you read it within the first day it was posted you read it wrong!!!!! I had pasted one of the sections for the members voting in the wrong order (Youngjae's I think) so It was a small thing but It made mark's part not make sense and I was mortified when I caught it.
> 
> ****IMPORTANT!****  
> if you you didn't figure already there's a bit of a recap of the attempted rape at the end of this chapter. It's not as detailed as the chapter version of it but it's in more of a first person point of view so maybe more intense? also suicidal thoughts and such in the same place.  
> basically from where they catch up to what they already read is skip able if you want to avoid the attempted.

_ It’s kind of weird to be writing in a  _ _ diary  _ _ journal but I’m sure my eomma will find out if I just throw the thing away. She always does. I guess it could be cool or useful. I could look back at it and see how far I’ve come and if I become famous people will be dying to read it. Lol yeah right. That is the dream though. I don’t really know what else to write so I guess I’m done? _

_ This is so weird. _

*****

_ I wish I could stay at the dorms all the time like everyone else it would be so cool. My mom would never let me. I mean I get it we live pretty close but I know I’m missing out on so much! The trainees who do stay never let me forget it. Well not all of them, some of them are pretty awesome and super nice. The teachers are great and really professional and no one messes around during lessons. You can really feel the difference. All I can say is _

_ I love this place. _

_______

“Wait when was that written,” Mark asked Jinyoung who had been reading aloud, the only one who could most accurately transcribe Yugyeom’s chicken scratch.

“When he first became a trainee,” he answered.

“Skip some then. We don’t need to read all about that, we don’t really have the right to anyway,” 

when they had first found the diary, or BamBam had, ,Mark was securely in the camp of ‘this is none of our damn business’. If Yugyeom had wanted them to read it he would have shown it to them. It was in his personal bag that he carried everywhere and for some reason made it back to the dorm in the midst of everything.Mark would kill them if they went through and pulled out something that personal of his, something he expressed audibly when it became apparent that Yugyeom’s lack of actually being able to say ‘don’t read my diary’ was all they needed to plunge ahead. Mark was here because short of destroying the thing in Jinyoung’s hand he couldn’t stop them, and what’s the use of being the only one not knowing.

“He was a happy kid as a trainee we all already knew that, skip to where Minhyuk is first mentioned, that’s the only thing we should even look at,”

So they did.

*****

_ Minhyuk hyung was interesting. He seemed really focused on me at the meeting. That could have been my imagination which is why I didn’t say anything but it was creepy. He seems nice enough if not too serious. But aside from that we got managers now!! We are so much more official. We don’t _

*****

_Meant to write more but BamBam was complaining about the light. It’s actually been a few days since I wrote that. I was going to say, we don’t have a  name yet_ _but it feels like we’re on the cusp of greatness._ _This is why no one can ever read this, that was so gross. I should go study now but I think I’ll go dance some, try to retain some swag._

*****

_ Minhyuk is really mean, like all the time, to everyone. Everyone except me. If I convinced myself he wasn’t paying special attention to me, I was blind. Everyone can see it. I don’t want the members to think I know him or did anything to get that attention but I can already see the questioning stares. Like after a group vocal practice he gave me some candy for doing a good Job. What am I Eight? I was afraid to say anything but I stayed after everyone was gone to ask him not to show me special treatment. I apologize if I was being rude and didn’t want to offend him or anything.  He smiled, flicked my forehead kinda hard and told me not to worry about it, that I wasn’t special to him. I’m not really hurt by what he said just confused. It sounded like a lie to me. _

*****

_ I may have fucked up. I liked it better when he was nice. _

_______

“What happened,” Jackson asked when Jinyoung went to turn the page. 

“I don’t know that’s all he wrote,” Jinyoung snapped. His nerves were on edge remembering these event and having  completely different thoughts about them. The first time he’d hit yugyeom he’d flicked him. Jinyoung wonders if yugyeom ever thought about that or remembered it. He’d brushed it off so easily at the time.

*****

_ So this is a thing now. Minhyuk  _ _ hyung  _ _ no he doesn’t deserve to be called hyung. Minhyuk is a real jerk. I’m not even sure what I did. Maybe I drew attention to myself or something when I asked for no special treatment. He still treats me the same around everyone else but when It’s just us, which happens way to often, he’s always got something to say. Like he pre plans a list of my flaws or something. Today it was about my weight. I’m to chubby and it’s not like I’m cute like bambam.  Maknae’s are suppose to be cute, or small, or everything I’m not. I don’t treat my managers with enough respect, I don’t treat my hyungs with any respect at all and that’s why their so distant. They are very distant now, it’s like we were closer when we were just regular trainee's and now it’s like we’re too busy to be friends. Maybe they’re too busy for me, they all still seem as close. It could just be all in my head. Over thinking things again. Eomma always said I was good at that. I should call her. _

*****

_ Have you heard? Minhyuk and PD-nim have been friends since childhood! I can’t stop hearing about it or seeing it, or having it thrown in my face. I wonder how PD-nim would feel if I showed him the impressive bruise his friend left when he shut my arm in a door. Of course he’d probably deny it and what proof would I have? Safer to be quiet. _

*****

_ I wonder if it would hurt less if I had more fat? Probably not. I’m as big as a house now and about as useful as one. He’s right, I should lose the weight so I can keep up. I can’t even dance right these days and that’s all I have, my singing is sub par, no way am I a visual and other than my age the maknae thing isn’t me. I have to do better. Maybe he’ll stop hitting me if I do as he asks. _

*****

_ He found something else to complain about. I mean I’m still fat, I just started but I only had a protein bar and a cup of water today and I’m starving. The hyungs can’t see how hard I’m trying either and it’s frustrating. I was a little distracted by my empty stomach after lunch but everyone jumped on me about it like it was a common occurrence. Maybe they just see something I don’t want to. They even agreed I should stay so Minhyuk could talk to me about my behavior. Yeah right. I mean I’m sure there were words but after Minhyuk cuffed me in the ear I couldn’t hear over the ringing. A few other hits to the face until I was visibly red. No one noticed when I came back.  _

_______

“I noticed, I thought he was embarrassed. He wouldn’t look us in the eyes,” Jaebum said more so to himself than anyone else. It was so quiet after Jinyoung finished that passage his voice amplified. Jinyoung turned a few pages seemingly confused.

“What is it,” youngjae asked apprehensively.

“I’m not sure,” Jinyoung said before hesitantly beginning to read again.

*****

_ Intake: 1/2 cup of rice, apple, pizza slice _

_ Counter action: 7 hours dancing _

_ Minhyuk interactions: verbal _

_ Do better  _

*****

_ Intake: fried egg, salad _

_ Counter action: regular practice _

_ Minhyuk interactions: verbal, kick to the shin _

*****

_ Intake: 1 cup rice, choco shake, chicken, kimbap _

_ Counter: none _

_ Minhyuk: none _

_ Good day, work harder tomorrow on diet. _

*****

_ Intake: protein bar _

_ Counter: practice, 4 hours dancing _

_ Minhyuk : pulling of hair, slapping _

*****

_ Intake: protein bar, candy bar _

_ Counter: night at studio _

_ Minhyuk: whipping with audio cord _

_ Invest in more long sleeve shirts _

*****

_ Protien shake _

_ Night at studio _

_ Held me by the neck during a lecture today. He’s getting creative at the least. Protein shakes seem to work _

*****

_ Protein shake _

_ Studio _

_ Peace. _

*****

_ Protein shake _

_ No exercise _

_ Punch to the ribs _

_ I think one of them might be broken. It hurts a lot. Can’t really burn calories when I can’t breathe. _

*****

_ Protein shake, rice, _

_ No exercise _

_ One large ugly bruise down the left side of my chest. Hurts like you wouldn’t believe. Of course Minhyuk pushes on it the second he notices it. Hurts but not as much as yesterday. He gave me some pain killers tho so I guess he’s not all that bad. _

_______

“Okay,” Mark blurted out, cutting Jinyoung off. “We get the picture. Let’s skim from here unless he writes an actual passage,” 

“Hyung-” BamBam started to protest. Mark wasn’t having it.

“No. Stop right there. Am I the only one who sees this as wrong? Do you guys honestly need a play by play of how we weren’t there for him, didn’t do enough and let him fall into the hands of that monster day after day? ‘Cause I don’t. We were blind, and yugyeom paid the price. We don’t deserve to know all the details at this point unless yugyeom chooses to tell us and building his trust doesn’t start with reading his diary. Or did you forget that we do have to tell him that too?” Most people had the misconception that Mark didn’t talk at all. However, when mark was upset, as in really truly pissed, he was very vocal. So his mini speech didn’t surprise the members but it did show them just how angry Mark was. They sat there thoroughly chastised as Jinyoung wordlessly turned the pages. Jinyoung could see and read all the pages all the same. 

*****

_ More torso bruising _

_ Bloody nose from a jab “accidental” _

_ Handprints on arms _

_ Bruises  _

_ thighs,  _

_ stomach,  _

_ Arms _

_ welts _

_ Need to google signs of a concussion _

_ Less eating _

_ Less sleeping _

_ More dancing _

_ More practicing _

_ Be better _

_ Be useful _

_ Be lighter _

_ Be worthy _

*****

Jinyoung swallowed the words and his reaction as best as he could. This wasn’t about his feelings of guilt, this was about Yugyeom. When the robotic entries ended to a passage it was all the way to were they started. Where BamBam found the place marker of sorts at the last entry. up until then it had been three and a half months of the narration of the physical and mental breaking of Yugyeom but Jinyoung already knew it could get worse, the last entry did get worse. 

“That’s it until-”the words got stuck in his throat, not entirely sure what he was going to say. “U-un-until what we already saw,” the room stayed quiet after that because most of them had already read it and Jinyoung was  _ NOT  _  reading it aloud or ever again if possible.

“Let me see it then,” Jackson broke the solemn silence hand outstretched. That in itself was a bit of a dilemma because Jinyoung knew how Jackson was. He had a heart two sizes two big with empathy for the whole world. Reading this and knowing that it happened less than 72 hours ago and they were  _ there _ might break him. Especially knowing he was closer than any of them. Jackson didn’t need that.

“You want the cliff notes version,” Mark spoke up when Jinyoung didn’t immediately hand over the book.  Jackson tilted his head like a confused puppy. “It’s pretty bad Jacks,”

“You all read it,” This they couldn’t deny. “I can handle it.” he flexed his fingers towards the book in clear determination. Jinyoung reluctantly handed it over.

“Just-” Jinyoung started in a rush trying to prolong and prevent the inevitable as long as possible. “We all didn’t know, before, just remember this isn’t anyone's fault,”  _ it’s not your fault. _ This gave jackson one last pause before he turned his head down to where the book lay. Jinyoung couldn’t help but give a sigh as Jackson began reading. 

*****

_ Today was  nerve wracking and emotionally draining. It started off ok. When we arrived in Busan _

_ Never been to Busan but it’s kinda weird. It’s different from seoul but not. Mostly like I know I’m not in Seoul and that’s how it’s different? Makes me wonder how different other parts of the world really are, maybe one day I’ll find out. _

_ Anyway Minhyuk all but kicked me out of the room we were suppose to be sharing which was probably for the best, then Mark hyung invited me to his room.  He might even have been trying to talk to me, which makes me feel bad. He doesn’t often start to many conversations with me. _

_ I sleep better than I had in a really long time. Like Months worth of sleep. I didn’t lay awake with my faults at the forefront of my mind. Didn’t think about what a waste of time it was when I could  be doing something useful. I just slept, with Mark hyung and the tv and the shower i think? As background noise my brain was eerily quiet of voices. _

_ Note to self: never tell people you hear voices. Never write about hearing voices again. _

_ Anyway the rest of the day was fun. Yeah I wrote that just now. I had fun! For like a whole dayish. Possible because Minhyuk wasn’t around and the hyungs actually remembered I existed. That might be a little harsh. They included me and stuff I guess. Jackson made a joke about BamBam missing me and I am sOOooo not going there right now but the only real issue was when Youngjae lost the sense game and I had to give out the punishment. I guess I could have declined but then I’d have to explain just why I’m uncomfortable causing any degree of pain to anyone. I will never hurt anyone. _

*****

_ One good day is not enough. Two good days is an omen. I should have known this already. I’m an idiot. A Worthless foolish excuse for what’s left of a human being. If I was normal this wouldn’t have happened. I knew that night when he drew blood I should have said something. As if bruises weren’t torture enough, I gave the green light for breaking skin. The cuts feel as numb as the bruises tho. But I don’t know - _

_ No I can’t do that again. _

_ I can still feel him. _

_ His hands. His weight on top of me _

_______

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no ,no.

Jackson’s eyes slammed shut of their own accord. 

This didn’t happen. Please God this didn’t happen.

No one around him moved or said anything. Maybe they did but he couldn’t hear them. How much did the others read? Did they finish it? This was after the second day they were in Busan so. . .

The day he’d gone to--

Suddenly he needed to know.

 

*****

_ I’ll probably never be able to drink. My first real taste of alcohol coming from him. _

_ There are fucking hickey’s on my arm and I don’t even have a boyfriend _

_ His voice will never hold the same fear, A new fear I never even thought to have is all I see now. Every punch, every bruise was a blessing because It meant he wasn’t actively raping me.  _

_______

And jackson was going to throw up

*****

_ Somehow I made it to the bathroom with my pants still intact. I don’t count myself lucky. _

_ What if I’m not strong enough next time? What if he’s just a little less drunk. I Can’t do it. _

_ I’m sorry, I’m always sorry but I don’t think I’m sorry enough to go on. There’s so many things I wanted to do  _

_ But living is not one of them right now. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't come out how I hoped but hope y'all think it's ok?  
> let me know!  
> also fingers crossed for actual update within the two week window next time!


	17. Not a chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for doing an author note chapter but I felt I should make this known.

It will be a while before my next update and I felt the need to warn anyone waiting for an update. I just lost someone very important to me today for the second time in six months and I definitely don't think I'll be able to write again until after the funeral at the earliest. I feel like this is a major set back since I had just gotten into a steady updating speed again and it was so close to the end. I apologize t all my readers and want to make it known that as soon as I feel I can write and produce a good chapter I will.. I'm just not sure when that will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again I apologize.


End file.
